Do I Have To Make Friends With My Metamour?
One of the (many) things we have to teach ourselves when we begin our journey into polyamory is the social etiquette of meeting our metamours (that is, the people our partners are dating).
This is new to most of us because it’s something that simply isn’t part of the monogamous world. Quite the opposite, in fact. In monogamy, discovering our partner is having a sexual or romantic relationship with someone else is heartbreaking rather than an opportunity to make a new friend.
But just because you are polyamorous, does that mean you have to make your partner’s partners part of your life? Are you obliged to make friends with them? Do you have to like them no matter what?
First off, do we even need to meet our partner’s other partners?
Okay, this is a quick one. Yes. Yes, you do. Even if it’s only once.
Why? It’s simple. We are responsible for the “ethical” in ethical non-monogamy, and this means confirming everyone involved knows what is going on. Just because someone says their partner is okay with them dating other people, you can’t know for sure. Unfortunately, it is not unheard of for people to use polyamory as an excuse for cheating.
When you meet them is up to you. I’m not saying you need to rock up on their first date to start asking questions. Personally, I don’t insist on meeting a date’s partner until things look like they are going to become long-term. But I know some people who won’t even go on a first date until they’ve had a brief video call with their date’s partner to confirm everyone is aware of what’s happening.
So sorry, if you’re telling yourself you can avoid ever having to meet your partner’s metamours, then I’m afraid that isn’t going to work.
Try comparing a new metamour to any other friend.
Now, some people find the idea of being friends with their partner’s partner a difficult concept to get their heads around. The idea that them seeing other people is “wrong” has been deeply ingrained in us.
So, if you are having difficulty with this idea, try comparing a new metamour to any other friend.
Your partner will have other friends, I assume. Many will have been around before you met them. Other they may have made after the two you became an item. Now think about your relationship with your partner’s friends. How close are you to them?
I would assume that you are on good terms with most of them but would be stuck for something to talk about on a long car journey. They exist, and you know they are important to your partner, but your personal interactions with them will always be negligible.
But there might be one or two with whom you really get on. When they hang out, it might be to see both your partner and you at the same time. You might even build your own friendship with them and hang out separately without your partner.
Polyamorous metamours are exactly the same.
So if you are finding the concept hard, just think of them as the same as any other friend. An important part of your partner’s life, but not someone you are obliged to entwine your own life with.
I can tell you from experience that seeing your different partners get on like best friends is a wonderful experience. But I can also tell you from experience that it takes nothing away from your relationship if this doesn’t happen.
Okay, so you’ve got your head around the idea of meeting the people your partner is dating. The next step is working out how much you want them in your life.
Personally, I’m a big fan of the idea of Kitchen Table Polyamory. This is the concept where everyone in your polycule creates one big family. Ways of doing this vary, of course. You might all go on dates together. You might have weekly meals together, or raise children as a group. You might create a friendship with your metamour that is entirely separate from their relationship with your partner.
But is this better than the alternative? And does it not happening mean your polycule is not as valid as one where it does?
No, and no.
I can tell you from experience that seeing your different partners get on like best friends is a wonderful experience. But I can also tell you from experience that it takes nothing away from your relationship if this doesn’t happen.
How well your partners get on will depend on a multitude of factors. It might be that one partner is newer on their journey and still less comfortable with being around metamours. It might be your partner’s lives are such that they simply never get to spend enough time together. Or it might simply be that they are not compatible as people.
And that’s fine. Your partners don’t have to be best friends. But sometimes the problem isn’t the fact they aren’t close.
What do you do if your partners actively dislike each other?
In any healthy relationship, your partner’s feelings and opinions should matter to you.
You are not doing anything wrong if you are not best friends with your metamours. But I would argue that it’s not healthy if you actively don’t like them.
Now, I have to admit that I’m making the word “like” do a little extra work here. Because there is something that needs to happen when your partner starts seeing someone new, but it’s a word I don’t like to use in the context of relationships.
And that word is “approve”.
I think you can see exactly why I don’t like using that word. It’s the same reason I don’t believe in vetos in ethical non-monogamy. Because, to me, polyamory means the freedom to create the relationships you want, and nobody is allowed to decide who you can and cannot date.
But just because no one can tell you not to date someone, that doesn’t mean their opinions shouldn’t matter to you.
In any healthy relationship, your partner’s feelings and opinions should matter to you. Why else would you be spending your time and energy on them if you didn’t respect what they thought?
When I meet someone new, I pay attention to Red and Yellow Flags. As we all should when creating new relationships. And anyone close to you actively disliking a new date, whether it’s a partner or a friend, is at least a Yellow Flag. It’s not something to immediately end things over, and you may decide that you disagree with the reason they dislike them, but you should at least take their feelings seriously.
So no, you don’t need to be friends with your partner’s other partners to make polyamory work. In fact, some people actively feel more comfortable keeping a clear boundary between their relationships.
But once things get serious, you do need to have at least met them. For one reason, you need to ensure that everything is ethical and people are fully aware of your situation. And secondly, you don’t want your partners dating someone you don’t like, because in a healthy relationship, you should only have valid reasons for doing so.
