6 Relationship Models You Need to Know
Polyamory isn’t easy, and one of the main reasons for this is how much it opens up what a relationship can look like.
A common misconception is that a polyamorous relationship is just like a monogamous one, just with extra people. But this isn’t the case. Polyamorous relationship models are rich and varied, and which one best suits you comes down to your personal needs and situation.
So let’s break down 6 polyamorous relationship models and see which one might be right for you.
Triad / Thruple
A three-person relationship where all three participants are emotionally and/or sexually connected, with each having equal standing.
This is the relationship model many people picture when they think of polyamory. Largely because it’s the closest to a “threesome”, this being the main form of non-monogamy we ever see in mainstream media.
But what a lot of people overlook when they seek out this relationship model is that it involves consciously breaking away from the concept of being a “Couple”. It’s all too easy for people to see a three-person relationship as a “Couple + One”. But while this can work if it’s the specific dynamic you have agreed to, it opens you up to the risk of Couple Privilege.
Hinge / Vee
A relationship model where one person is dating two people whose relationship is not romantic/sexual.
Not everyone will build a relationship with their partner’s other partners (known as Metamours). And that’s absolutely fine. How much you are involved in other people’s lives is down to what makes you all comfortable.
But suppose you have a platonic relationship with your Metamour and grow close enough to all spend time together. In that case, this creates a relationship known as a Hinge or Vee. The exact arrangement will be down to personal preference, but a common agreement will entail the group deciding who will be the “Couple” each time they hang out.
Parallel
When you and your partner both have relationships with other people but choose not to be involved with that side of each other’s lives.
Some people find it hard to know the details of their partners’ love lives. Others simply don’t want or need to know. So you both see other people, but you don’t mix those lives or share details of them when you are together.
This relationship model can be useful in the early stages of opening up your relationship or when you have a shared home-life you wish to keep separate from your dating life. However, it can be dangerous if used to ignore issues such as jealousy.
Quad
A four-person relationship where all three participants are emotionally and/or sexually connected, with each having equal standing.
There are a couple of different permutations for Quad relationships. Sometimes it can involve all four people dating each other. Other times it can be two Couples who switch partners. It can involve each Couple remaining as a separate entity, or it can be a “pure” Quad where there are no boundaries between the four participants.
Like Triads, being in a Quad requires a tricky change in mindset. It can be easy to fall into the same trap of Couple Privilege in whichever configuration.
Hierarchical
A polyamorous relationship model where one relationship is given more significance than others. Often referred to as “Primary” and “Secondary” relationships.
Hierarchical relationships are both common and controversial in polyamory. Many Couples opening up their relationship decide to keep the security of agreeing the existing relationship will always take precedence. Or it might be you have children and do not wish your family life to be disrupted.
However, some consider the very idea of hierarchy in relationships inherently unethical, as it involves “ranking” people against each other.
Relationship Anarchy
A form of polyamory with no set structures or ongoing agreements, where relationships are free to flow — emotionally and sexually — however feels right.
Now, this is a tricky one. Because I have heard multiple different definitions for what this relationship model entails. To some, it means all relationships are equal, and emotional/sexual connections will occur as and when the mood takes them. To others, it’s a form of Solo Polyamory, where you live your own life without tying it to anyone else’s and do not expect anyone else to have to do the same to you.
In my opinion, if the phrase “Relationship Anarchy” sounds like something you would be interested in, then I recommend you do some research and look into what it might mean for you.
As I’ve grown more familiar with polyamorous relationship models, I’ve come to a new understanding of relationships in general.
Every relationship — whether polyamorous or monogamous — needs to be built from the ground up.
The problem we face is the “standard” off-the-peg relationship model is so prevalent in our culture we don’t realise that there are other options. And if what works for everyone else doesn’t work for us, then it’s assumed to be our fault for not trying harder. Imagine if you went clothes shopping and tried on a suit that was both the wrong size and didn’t suit you at all. Would you tell yourself you simply weren’t trying hard enough to make it work? No, you’d try a different look.
And as you can see from this list, there are many different relationship models you might find that suit you and your lifestyle the best. So when you make a new connection with someone or open up an old one, make sure you don’t try and force things into what you had before and work out what best suits you.
