Can We Please Leave Non-Monogamy Out of The Will Smith / Chris Rock Drama?
Those of us who have chosen to be ambassadors for this lifestyle are left sighing in frustration.
I have no desire to talk about Will Smith slapping Chris Rock at the Oscars.
If you want to read about whether this was a display of toxic masculinity, or okay to use violence to defend your family, or whether he should have had his award taken from him, just pop on to Twitter. Believe me, people are saying plenty.
No, what I want to talk about are the terrible "Hot Takes" I'm seeing about Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith's non-monogamy.
Now, other than an awareness that apparently Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith are non-monogamous, I know very little about their situation. And, quite frankly, this is because I don't believe I'm ever going to read anything worthwhile. Because while I would love for them to be a prominent example of ethical non-monogamy, I don't believe for a single second the media will write about them in any way that isn't exploitative.
(And, for the record, I don't believe they are a good example. If you want to know why, then I recommend watching this video essay from the wonderful Tee Noir on all the problematic elements Jada Pinkett-Smith has demonstrated when it comes to non-monogamy.)
But apparently, there are people out there who know next to nothing about polyamory and yet are determined to connect Will Smith's assault to the fact his wife sleeps with other people.
I've seen people say this was Will Smith taking out the aggression he feels about people knowing his wife "sleeps around". I've seen people saying this was Will Smith trying to prove to his wife that he was man enough for her not to need to see other people. I've seen people saying he only did it because Jada told him to, and he's too much of a "simp" to say no to her. And, of course, I've seen people saying it has to have been staged because if a man is okay with his wife sleeping with other men, then why would he want to defend her from a joke at her expense?
And it's not just Twitter trolls. More than a few people have pointed out how the Smith's non-monogamy has been the butt of the joke for some time now. And perhaps this is best demonstrated by the clip from this year's BAFTAs, where host Rebel Wilson made a joke about Smith's best performance this year "being okay with all of this wife's boyfriends". (A "joke", by the way, that completely crashed and burned.)
So what's my point? Why am I even talking about this?
Well, because I'm a polyamory educator and work to spread knowledge about what ethical non-monogamy actually is. And I want to remind everyone that we should not be looking at celebrities to learn about polyamory. Especially when anything we learn comes through the lens of the popular media.
Ethical non-monogamy is gradually becoming more prominent in our society. But we are yet to get a true, high-profile role model for the lifestyle. And so, when a celebrity couple comes out as any form of non-monogamy, it's understandable for people to latch onto them as a way to educate themselves.
But the truth is, celebrities are not "real people". I'm not saying they aren't people, of course. But, for better or worse, they don't live "normal" lives. These are multi-millionaire film stars. They have access to opportunities we will never have, and they also live under a level of scrutiny we will never have. Whatever their problems, they have a level of privilege only a tiny fraction of people will ever experience. Their experience of non-monogamy will not be the same as the rest of us.
I'm not trying to judge Will Smith or Jada Pinkett-Smith. What I'm trying to say is they can never be a relatable role model for anyone trying to learn about non-monogamy. And who can say they even want to be. Maybe they wish no one knew about any of this and that they were free of all this speculation.
But whether or not they want it, that's what happens. And so whatever the truth about what happened between Will Smith and Chris Rock last night, there are going to be some people who make the false assumption that Smith's non-monogamy will have played some part in it.
And as these Hot Takes and Click-Bait headlines spread out across the internet, those of us who have chosen to be ambassadors for this lifestyle are left sighing in frustration.
Do I think that Chris Rock's joke was okay? No. Whoever the subject of your joke is, mocking a medical condition will always be punching down.
Do I think that Will Smith's response was okay? No. I think it shows he has anger issues that need addressing, and I hope he does so.
Do I think any of this is related to non-monogamy? No. Not at all.
But do I think there are going to be plenty of people out there who insist on bringing up their non-monogamy as if it's relevant? Yes. I sigh in frustration as I write it, but yes, I do.
And so, I want to remind everyone that Will Smith and Jada Pickett-Smith are not role models for non-monogamy. For one thing, their relationship is their own business, and you don't know all the details. But, more importantly, we should never take celebrities as role models because they live different lives to us.
So if you want to learn about polyamory or ethical non-monogamy, reach out to those of us actively looking to teach you about it.
