6 Green Flags in Polyamory
How to tell if someone is ready for polyamory, and has your best interests in mind
Relationships are an important part of our lives. We might not all be looking for the same thing, but, in the end, we're looking for someone with whom we will grow more than we would without them.
And so it's important to learn the signs that indicate someone will be good - or bad - for you.
I've written before about recognising Red Flags when exploring polyamory. But what about Green Flags? What are those signs that a relationship is going well, and you should feel safe moving forward?
Note: In this article, I'm explicitly discussing Green Flags in polyamory. Of course, there will be some overlap between polyamorous and monogamous relationships. And I would argue all the points I make below are relevant for any relationship. But in this context, I am focusing on polyamory.
Also, while I aim to use gender non-specific language, I may choose to do so for the sake of clarity. Please do not take this as an indication that any Green Flag behaviour is related to gender in any way.
Green Flag: Learning of their own accord
When someone is actively working on learning how polyamory works and how to be the best polyamorous partner.
The truth is, it's simply not possible to take the skills we learn for monogamous relationships and transfer them to polyamory. Which means it's essential that to embrace polyamory, we need to educate ourselves. And I purposefully say "ourselves" because it's no one else's responsibility to teach us.
It doesn't necessarily have to be much. Each of us has our own way of learning and different bandwidths for how much information we can take on. Some people might hunt out every book on ethical non-monogamy that's ever been published. Others might join a forum or online community. As long as they are trying, always moving forward at whatever speed, it’s a Green Flag.
There's no test. And we'll all make mistakes along the way. What's important is recognising that learning is needed and doing something about it.
Green Flag: Spending time alone
When someone is just as happy to spend an evening with themselves as they are to be on a date with a partner.
A common joke about polyamorous couples is that they love it when their partners go out on dates, as it means they get an evening to watch whatever they want on TV. And why is this a Green Flag? Because it shows that they are not using their partners to avoid themselves.
Alone time is important for all of us. It allows us to relax and decompress. To remove the pressure of worrying about the people around you. Some of us need it more than others, but anyone who can't bear to ever spend an evening alone is very likely hiding from something about themselves.
Being polyamorous should not be about filling your life with people to distract you from your problems. And so something telling you they like to plan alone time is a sign they are looking for a person, rather than a distraction.
Green Flag: Doing their best to communicate
When someone is actively trying to be open and honest in their communication.
The importance of communication is obviously universal across all types of relationships. But I consider it to be a specific Green Flag when it comes to polyamory.
Communication is hard. Especially when it comes to relationships. And especially when it comes to a form of relationship for which we have no real foundation of knowledge, such as polyamory.
When we begin our journey into polyamory, we can no longer rely on the assumptions that we have all too often fallen back on in monogamous relationships. And this means breaking out of our communication comfort zones.
Not all of us are great communicators, of course. There will always be mistakes and miscommunications along the way. But the Green Flag is when someone recognises they need to try harder with their communication, strive to be better, and listen when they are told where they can improve.
Green Flag: Openly listening to criticism
Someone who doesn't get upset them they are told they can improve but instead actively takes it onboard.
If I was forced to boil down all my writing on polyamory into a single sentence, it might well be "We're all learning, all the time". And one of the most important things to remember about learning is being prepared to listen when we do something wrong.
All of us will have issues in our relationship because none of us is perfect. But it's vital that we feel safe to not only bring up any issues as we see them but to know that our partner will take them on board. I'm not saying that you and your partners must always agree. But disagreeing doesn't mean dismissing or getting defensive.
Green Flag: Knowing and communicating what they want
Someone who knows what they are looking for in their relationships and isn't afraid or uncomfortable being honest about it.
One of the things about polyamory that can be hard to grasp is that everything is on the table. There is no "off the peg" model. And while this freedom can feel overwhelming at times, being aware of this and then being honest about what we're looking for - or not - is a healthy sign.
It's all too easy to act as if one element of a relationship is more important than another. The only problem is when we're dishonest with what we're looking for. Because this leads to people feeling misled when they discover their partner wants something different than they assumed.
Green Flag: You feel good telling people about them
Someone you are comfortable talking about without having to hide or avoid talking about certain parts of their personality or life.
How do you feel when telling people about your partner(s)? Are you desperate to share everything about them? Could you talk about them all day if people didn't stop listening?
Or are there things about them you avoid talking about because you're worried about what people will say?
If you're not prepared to tell people about something, there's always a reason. Now, it could be because there are things that are not your business to tell, and that's valid. But if it's because you know it's a Red Flag and you don't want people to point this out to you, that's another matter entirely.
Now, this isn't a tick-list of things someone needs to meet before you should date them. That's not what Green Flags are supposed to be. What they are, are signs that they are worth pursuing.
Green Flags are those signs that somebody is safe to be with. But while you would still walk down a path with no signs saying it was safe to do so, you're always going to feel better if you can somehow tell that it is.
So keep these polyamorous Green Flags in mind just as much as you do Red Flags, and hopefully, together, they will help you avoid spending your time and emotions on people who will hurt you down the line.
