Dismantling the “No Monogamy Allowed” Clubhouse
Photo by Pierre Bamin on Unsplash
The argument I try to make in my writing on ethical non-monogamy is that every relationship is unique. Rather than simply taking on the One-Size-Fits-All model as we have been conditioned to do, we need to assess all the options and pick which ones work for us.
What’s I’m not saying is any of those choices are better than the others. No single relationship model is better than any other.
This means monogamous people need to accept polyamory as valid. But it also means polyamorous people need to not look down on monogamy.
I celebrate my polyamory, but I do it without belittling any other lifestyle.
Polyamory has changed my life, and vastly for the better. I will share how much it has improved my life. I will speak out, letting the world know about the freedom and personal fulfilment I have experienced.
But I’ll never argue what is right for me is necessarily right for everyone.
I was monogamous for years, and I know how much joy can be found in it. It’s impossible to deny there is something wonderful about the feeling of being someone’s “One And Only”. About being part of an exclusive partnership.
Just because monogamy isn’t for you, doesn’t mean it’s any less valid, rewarding, or justified as a choice.
Yet there are people out there who insist on telling people that it is.
Once you start to engage with the polyamorous community, you will eventually run into people who feel it is necessary to put down monogamy.
They’ll argue that monogamy is somehow less evolved. That because it’s the model imposed by the traditional social order it, therefore, must be bad. That monogamy is inherently about telling you what you are not allowed to do. That anything that denies your sexual freedom is oppressive. That monogamous people simply haven’t grown up or matured enough to understand non-monogamy’s superiority.
I used to just smile and nod at these arguments. To each their own opinion, and so forth. I wasn’t going to start arguing people’s personal opinions.
But I’ve changed my mind. Now I call these people out. Not because people aren’t allowed their own opinions, but because these are unhealthy ideas that need weeding out of polyamory.
So why does this combative mindset come about?
It’s “Us and Them”-ing, pure and simple. The time-honoured method of defending our own ideas by belittling those of others. And just because a lot of monogamous people dismiss us, that doesn’t mean we should be returning the favour.
For this next section, I want to make it clear I am drawing from my own personal experiences. It may seem I am making assumptions. And maybe I am. I’ll be interested to hear your thoughts on the following points.
In almost all cases, the people I’ve met who attack monogamy are the sort of people you can tell were never popular in school.
Maybe I’m generalising, but I think you know exactly the people I mean. The ones always on the outside looking in. The type of person who never quite fit in with the popular idea of who they should be. Who saw the lifestyle there were being told was what they should want to achieve, only to have it always just out of reach.
These aren’t bad people. Hell, I was one of them.
And now they’ve grown up, discovered who they are, and embraced it. But childhood insecurities run deep. And sometimes they end up with us punch downing because if you’re punching down you can tell yourself you’re on top.
Maybe it’s a sense of gloating. Maybe it’s fear the popular kids will someone come back and take away what we have. Maybe it’s just the simple desire to make ourselves feel special and unique in our “No Monogamy Allowed” clubhouse.
But while I’m never going to belittle anyone’s insecurities, I’m also not going to accept anyone using their insecurities to belittle anyone else’s choices.
Going back to my original point, finding your relationship style is about choice.
Yes, there is a lot wrong with the automatic monogamous, One-Size-Fits-All approach. And society has a myriad of hang-ups that make a lot of people uncomfortable with alternative relationship models. And yes, there are people in the world who are actively antagonistic toward polyamory.
But the answer isn’t to push back with our own antagonism.
Monogamy isn’t evil in itself, or something to be “evolved out of”. The journey into polyamory isn’t about “evolving” into something better. It’s about educating yourself on the different options available and building the skills to maintain relationships of any type.
People need to be shown it’s about crafting the relationship you need, rather than belittle what others choose.
So, when you encounter these people, and you will, call them out. Or at the very least, if you’re not comfortable with conflict, don’t engage them.
Don’t let them bully you into making your choice of relationship style drawing up a battle-line. Especially if you are new to the scene, and trying to find people to emulate.
The polyamorous community is wonderful, and through it I have met so many amazing, diverse people. But we’re not better people. Not by default. We have all the same issues, hangups, and problems as anyone else.
This isn’t an exclusive clubhouse. Everyone is allowed to visit.
