Using Polyamory To Take Control Of Your Own Happiness
Photo by Guilherme Stecanella on Unsplash
Recently, a friend of mine told me that the problem she was having with polyamorous dating was that other people were involved.
Hmm. Kind of a sticking point there.
It’s not that she doesn’t understand polyamory. Far from it. She’s been polyamorous for over two years. But as lockdown eases and face-to-face dates are becoming a thing again, she has found herself reminded of a perennial issue in non-monogamy.
When she’s dating someone, her subconscious is expecting to be their sole focus. You’re great, says that voice in the back of her mind, They shouldn’t want anyone other than you.
This is a common issue in polyamory, as our monogamous conditioning is often hard to overcome. However, when you look into the reasons behind it, it becomes apparent that the root cause of this problem is just as dangerous to monogamous relationships.
Because when we don’t have control of our own egos, they fuel our insecurities and lead us to form unhealthy relationships.
No longer “One and Only”
Part of our journey into polyamory is facing that we are no longer going to be our partner’s “One and Only.”
We’re used to thinking of love as a zero-sum game. In monogamy, love isn’t something that can be shared. Someone either loves us completely or doesn’t love us at all. There is no halfway house.
We expect to be given 100% and to give 100% in return.
And it’s understandable why we want this. Nothing boosts an ego like knowing that someone is devoted to us. That someone thinks we are the most important person in the world, and at the end of the day, they will put our wellbeing before anyone else’s.
It reassures us that we matter. That we are desirable. That we are “good enough”.
But in polyamory, that’s a sense of security that we have to give up. And when I thought about the reasons behind this, I realised this is a false security, and leads to our developing toxic relationship traits.
We have normalised toxic behaviours
In a 2018 study, researchers analysed the attachment styles of over 3000 people, demonstrating exactly how much importance we are putting in our relationships.
Below are a few of the findings they reported.
We bind our sense of personal value to our relationships
35% of controlling people believe they are “nobody” and have no value unless they are in a relationship.
37% are afraid they would be totally useless without their partner.
37% said they would do anything to keep their partner because they don’t believe they could find anyone else who will love them.
We worrying about how much our partners love us
45% worry their partner does not love them enough.
67% believe they care more about their partner than their partner cares about them.
54% worry about being dumped to the point where their fear keeps them up at night.
We view dependency as a method of securing our relationships
53% actually feel happier when their partner is completely dependent.
These numbers show how prevalent these toxic relationship traits have become. But I think all of us have felt them in some way.
The study doesn’t go into the reasons behind this. But whatever the deeper causes, the idea that we only have value if we are part of a relationship runs deep in our culture. As does the insecurity that the only way to be truly secure that our partner won’t leave us is if they have no choice in the matter.
We need to address these issues if we ever want to experience happiness in our relationships.
We need to reposition the source of our ego.
Learn to love yourself
According to the study:
We control out of fear. What many people don’t realize, however, is that it’s not about losing someone we love but rather, losing that feeling of being loved, that feeling of belonging, of value, of contentment. [source]
We are putting our sense of self, our sense of how much we matter, in someone else’s hands. Our worth is measured by how others value us.
In other words, we are giving up control of how we feel about ourselves.
So how do we solve this?
We all long for unconditional love. What we don’t realize is that we are the primary source of unconditional love for ourselves. If you love yourself fully and unconditionally, it gives you a sense of safety and the freedom to give and receive love without a compulsive need to control others. […] Unconditional love holds space for you to be the best self you can be, fully expressed, open and vulnerable, while still feeling safe. That is what love is. [source]
In my journey into polyamory, I have discovered many things I didn’t expect. We think of it as merely a new relationship model, but in some ways, it’s a whole new way of thinking. Almost a philosophy.
When you embrace polyamory, you have to accept that your partners will no longer devote themselves solely to us. Therefore, the core of our happiness can only come from ourselves.
Relationships should not exist to boost our egos. That might be something that happens, but that should be a byproduct, not a primary purpose.
Because relying on someone else to give you value leads to dependency. We start to believe that if we don’t acquire 100% of someone’s love, time, attention, and desire, then we’re not getting what we deserve.
If the locus of our happiness is external, then there is always the possibility, and the fear, that we will lose it. And that leads to our accepting unhealthy or even dangerous relationships, as our sense of value overrides our self-preservation.
We fall for the belief that we can only have value if someone else tells us we’re special. But the only person who can tell us that is ourselves.
You’re not giving up your ego, you’re taking it back
Because, at the end of the day, you’re pretty awesome.
Yes, you.
You’re great.
And while it’s wonderful when someone else recognises this, you don’t need them to tell you something so obvious.
Once you take back the responsibility for your own happiness — giving yourself the space to unconditionally love yourself — then relationships can become what they should be. Something that supplements your life, bringing you happiness without becoming the locus of your wellbeing.
Your relationship doesn’t make you. Your partner doesn’t make you.
You make you.
And you’re pretty great.
