It’s Not All Threesomes and Free Love: Figuring Out How to Be Polyamorous
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
So, you’ve decided to open your life to ethical non-monogamy?
However you found out about the lifestyle — online browsing, media representation, relationship advice books, word of mouth — the next step is the hardest: working out what the hell you are doing.
Stepping into polyamory is stepping into the unknown. Or, at the very least, stepping into the only vaguely understood. And when you see all sorts of people representing the best side of non-monogamy — people who seem to have created the perfect life that you are aspiring to — it can be easy to feel that you are something “doing it wrong”.
What does polyamory mean to you?
Having many loves. Simple, right? Who can’t get their head around that? But what exactly does it mean to you?
Do you want multiple partners, all of whom are equal in your heart? Do you want a more traditional “nesting” partner to settle down with, with additional casual relationships on the side? Do you need emotions to have a relationship, or do you want emotions with one person and casual with others? Do you not want to see other people but are fine with your partner doing so? Do you want deep commitment or people who have their own lives separate from yours?
Each of these is a viable option in non-monogamy. As are far many more different relationship models.
See what I mean but it being intimidating to work out what you want?
This is the hard part. The difficulty comes from two main reasons: falling into “monogamous” habits, and a lack of representation of all the possibilities.
Shaking off the One-Size-Fits-All ideology
In monogamy, there is one set relationship model. Personally, I don’t consider this idea of a One-Size-Fits all model to be healthy. But one thing it is is comfortable. We don’t have to think about what we want. We know exactly how it’s supposed to go. And while we all have the freedom to personalise our relationships — maybe you won’t get married, adopt rather than have your own kids, travel rather than own a house — essentially the building blocks are the same.
And so this conditioning makes it hard to even realise, let alone process, the fact that in ethical non-monogamy everything is up for negotiation. And, even more scarily, everything is your own responsibility.
Lack of Representation
If you’ve seen any show or movie about any type of open relationship you’ve almost certainly seen Stereotypical Depiction Of Polyamorous Relationship Model 1a: A Couple Dealing With Relationship Issues Inviting A Hot Woman To Join Them, Only To Discover Emotions Getting In The Way.
Representation of polyamory and ethical non-monogamy in the media is spotty, at best. Non-ethical non-monogamy? Why that’s all over the place. The “excitement” and danger of cheating is a time-honoured trope in storytelling. But make it consensual and TV and movies just don’t know what to do with it.
The fact is, sex sells. And that’s fine and dandy. We all like a little titillation now and then. But while most aspects of monogamous relationships are portrayed in the media in some form or other, when it comes to polyamory people just can’t get over the idea of all the sex we surely must be having.
So here’s the next big question: what do you want?
And remember, the “you” applies to yourself, but also you and your partner together, should you have one.
Are you looking for an emotional connection? A second life-partner? Are you looking for friends with benefits? Are you looking for one-time casual encounters outside your main relationship? Are you looking for people to fulfil a specific need or kink?
Working out what you want might take time. And also it might change over time. Who knows where life will take you.
Your needs are valid
Oh, and there’s one more thing. And it’s both important and something that takes some people, including me, a long time to accept.
Don’t feel ashamed about what you want.
We all have different needs, wants, and desires. And the only one who has any responsibility for your own is yourself.
Your needs are valid. As long as nothing you want hurts anyone else, then you need to accept them and own them. Only then will you be able to find happiness in exploring them. And if you have a partner who actively hinders you from achieving these then that is a problem that the two of you need to work through.
If all this sounds like time and hard work you didn’t think was coming, then I’m afraid I don’t have any quick answers because there are none. Working out your polyamory journey boils down to “Do The Research”. Oh, and keep an open mind.
You may be coming into polyamory with a set idea of what you want out of it, but this is a branching path. You may discover new avenues to explore. You may decide what you thought you wanted isn’t actually what’s right for you. Or you may discover it’s not for you after all.
And be prepared for the fact you may discover your current relationships change in ways you didn’t foresee and don’t want. Sometimes that can’t be helped, I’m afraid.
It will be hard. You might end up getting hurt, or hurting someone else. There’s going to be a lot of talking and soul searching. If you’re not prepared for that, or to dedicate the time to educate yourself then you are setting yourself up for future pain.
Sorry, but this lifestyle isn’t all threesomes and free love. They may be one aspect of it that certain people choose, but if you go in wanting only that then you’re setting yourself up for heartbreak.
I’m going to recommend some further reading: Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino. This book does an excellent job of outlining and taking you through the questions you need to ask yourself coming into ethical non-monogamy. It won’t answer all your questions, but it will set you up with the tools and mindset to do so yourself.
