What To Do When Your Partner Is Dating Other People, But You’re Not
When I was first exploring non-monogamy with my partner, we had very different experiences. While she found plenty of interest, I was left with none.
We both used the same dating apps and websites. We went to in-person events together. We were both communicating in the same ways. As far as I could tell, I was doing everything right. Yet I found it impossible to get any interest online, and people I thought I hit it off with in person would agree to a drink then ghost me the next day.
And so this exciting journey we were meant to be sharing became lop-sided. It seemed non-monogamy would be easy for her while remaining painfully out of my reach.
Why wasn’t this something we had prepared for?
The truth is, non-monogamous dating has the same problems as monogamous dating.
This isn’t part of the journey that I see talked about much. But it happens. It happened to me, and it’s happened to other people.
Because no community is a catalog of objects to pick from. There is the impression that non-monogamous people are only in it for constant casual sex, but you’re not having a new partner delivered as part of your welcome pack. Even if you go to play-parties, where people attend for the same reason, there’s no guarantee you will hook up. In any situation, it’s possible you simply won’t hit it off with anyone.
Going into dating while in a relationship gave me a certain mindset. It made me believe that I was datable. Look at me, I already have a partner. That means I must be desirable, so other people will surely want to date me as well.
But while dating while part of an existing couple can make you feel confident, it can also bring any sense of failure into sharp relief.
The longer I was unsuccessful in finding a date, the ease at which my partner managed to do so quickly began to hurt.
That reassurance that came from already having one partner slowly turned into a painful comparison. They become a constant reminder that the possibilities of non-monogamy were out there. They just weren’t available to me. On top of that, as I slowly met more people in the non-monogamous community on a social basis, I began to see they also had no problems.
All of these people were doing the same things as me. So why was it I was the only one finding no success?
There will always be things in life you want, that others have. And ethical non-monogamy is no exception.
Envy is seeing someone with something you want. You might not resent them having it, but it hurts that you don’t have it as well. Especially when you can’t understand why not.
I am the sort of person who wants to work on a problem. If I have a goal, I need to feel I am actively working towards it. I’ve always been a fan of Ben Franklin’s quote:
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today
I can’t simply sit back and wait for something to come to me. That’s not how I’ve ever achieved anything.
So, logically, if I wanted to find someone to date I needed to be working towards it. I needed to be on dating sites, sending out introductions. I needed to be going to events. I needed to be meeting people face-to-face.
And, also logically, if I was doing all these things and still having no success, I had either be doing something wrong or had to just keep pushing at it. Stepping back and just letting things happen felt alien to me.
This was the problem, as time was what I needed. Eventually, I did meet someone. And after that, the insecurities when I wasn’t dating someone were easier to handle. I had that experience to prove to myself I wasn’t undateable. I was going to be able to experience non-monogamy, alongside my partner.
I just wish I’d understood this at the start.
The start of our journey into ethical non-monogamy was stunted by our not preparing for this imbalance and the envy it entailed.
Eventually, the fact that I couldn’t get a date began to hurt more and more. Consequently, my partner stopped seeing people as she didn’t like her comparative success make me feel worse.
Because we hadn’t prepared for this problem to arise.
While we had communicated our fantasies and desires at the start, what we wanted out of this journey, we never considered the possibility of not finding these things. So, when they did, we didn’t know how to process it and so let our insecurities rule us.
Then we both started backing off the whole process, rather than properly communicating what we were going through. When we should have raised things, we held back for fear of upsetting the other.
Without that communication, no relationship can function. Especially a non-monogamous one.
It can be hard seeing a partner getting more attention than you, and it’s important not to resent them for it.
Relationships are never fully equal. Not everyone gets the same things at the same time. But relationships must be fair. And it’s important to ensure that all parties involved are looking out for each other.
Coming into ethical non-monogamy is a wonderful experience, and I wouldn’t change it for the world. But I’ve learned it’s important to accept there will be times when one partner will be having more “success” than the other.
I encountered this at the start of our journey. But it could come later, where one of you find themselves going through a dry spell when they are not seeing anyone other than you. Or it might be external to your relationship, seeing other people having experiences you are unable to make happen.
It is fine to feel envy. But it’s important not to let it take over.
Polyamory is no different from any other relationship model, in that there is a very real possibility of getting hurt.
If you’re going into this as a couple, remember that this isn’t a race or a competition. Their success or failure doesn’t reflect on you, and vice versa.
Sometimes, all you can do is give it time. And communicate.
