How Important Is The Reason We’re Polyamorous?
When I began my journey into polyamory, I discovered I had a knack for it. I felt excited for my partner going on dates. I wanted to hear what they had been up to. I found I didn’t feel any jealousy about what they were getting up to outside of our relationship.
Polyamory, I thought, was so much easier than I pictured it being.
But when I started dating a new partner, they showed me the other side of this coin.
While she actively embraced and enjoyed polyamory, she didn’t find it as easy as I did. She had problems processing when I had an interest in someone else. She felt uncomfortable hearing the details of what I got up to with other people. It took her serious effort to manage her emotions.
Did this mean she wasn’t as good as polyamory as me?
No, of course not. It simply meant she didn’t find it as easy as I did. It didn’t seamlessly fit their personality as well as mine.
And she introduced me to a concept I hadn’t thought about before. The difference between being polyamorous by nature, or by choice.
Are we born, or do we choose?
I find it easy to accept my partners seeing other people. I also can’t see myself ever going back to a relationship where dating other people is not on the table. It feels part of who I am.
Does that mean it’s “natural” for me? Was I born this way?
My partner found it hard to work through the feelings of jealousy when I saw other people. They had to do a lot of reading and research, and some serious work on themselves, to be able to embrace this life.
Does this mean she “chose” to be polyamory, and it wasn’t who she was?
There is an argument that monogamy itself is unnatural in humans. While it’s the norm in Western culture, that’s not been the case throughout human history. 80% of early human societies were polyamorous.
So why are people uncomfortable with the idea of non-monogamy, when it’s been so prevalent in the past?
Is it simply because of the social condition we have undergone telling us that we own our partners? Or are we trapped by our insecurities, terrified if our partners have the choice they won’t choose us?
So why is this even a big deal?
Does it even matter if you’re polyamorous by choice or by nature?
In our everyday lives, not really. As long as everyone involved is happy, your personal reasons for trying it don’t have a huge impact.
But if you dig a little deeper it touches on something more meaningful. Namely, how society as a whole accepts polyamory.
In a recent article, Sarah Stroh looked at this debate from a different viewpoint: Belief vs. Orientation.
If you phrase “Choice” as “Belief” it becomes something akin to religion. A set of values and practices that are close to our sense of self, yet still something we have a choice over.
If you phrase “Nature” as “Orientation” it becomes something akin to sexuality. Something that is part of how we are made at birth, and that we have no control over once we realise.
And here is where this discussion becomes more serious.
If polyamory is something we are born to, then any rights we don’t have become discrimination. Three people can’t be in the same marriage. Three people can’t share the same parental rights over a child. But if these are things kept from us based on how we were born, that becomes something that we as a society need to discuss.
And suddenly Choice vs. Nature becomes a much deeper discussion than it seemed.
So what’s my opinion?
Personally, I think there are elements of both.
I believe that polyamory and monogamy are both “natural” for mankind. What has happened is that we have given them both far too much importance. Probably due to the way marriage took on elements of ownership, feudalism, and patriarchy.
Having multiple partners, with each fulfilling different needs, is a natural state to explore. However, there is nothing wrong or unnatural to deciding you don’t need more than one. If you meet someone who provides all the things you, need, then why would you look elsewhere?
Nature, with a hint of Choice, if you will.
But when you get down to it, Zinnia at AskPolyamory.com sums up this debate the best:
I think the important part here is to not let this become an issue that divides our community. Some people experience polyamory as a deeply felt part of who they are. […]Some people experience polyamory as a choice, a behavior they engage in sometimes but isn’t a core part of what makes them them. That’s okay too, and it’s important to respect those people. [SOURCE]
Why you are polyamorous isn’t the issue. Understanding each other’s experience is.
In the case of my partner and me, being aware of the differences between “Nature” and “Choice” was important because it allowed us to know what sort of communication we needed. Knowing she was processing an experience in a different way to me allowed me to better understand her.
But at no point did the difference make either of our journeys less valid than the other.
Yes, the Nature vs Choice debate needs to be looked into further. But for now, let’s just all be glad we are working out the lives we need to be happy together.
