8 Common Misconceptions About Polyamory
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Most of us have very little education about the different forms of ethical non-monogamy. And what little representation there is is usually the myopic, sex-focused portrayals found in the media.
This is why I do what I do. My goal, and the goal of Discovering Polyamory, is to spread awareness and education. Maybe you’re beginning to explore polyamory yourself. Or you know someone who is and you’d like to learn more. Or maybe you want to educate yourself about relationships. My intention is to create a place where you can find the information you need.
And so I spend a lot of my time digging deep into the question of “What is Polyamory?” But it’s also important to learn what polyamory isn’t.
With that in mind, I have pulled up a list of 8 of the more common misconceptions about polyamory. So if you feel unsure about what you’re getting into, or fear people are being seduced into some sort of sexual cult, read on. Allow me to disabuse you of some of your fears and inaccuracies.
It is important to know that polyamory is not…
…permission to cheat
Polyamory isn’t cheating. Full stop. Nor does it give permission to cheat,
It is a form of ethical non-monogamy. And the significant word here is ethical. If you are polyamorous, it means your relationships are committed and honest. You might be in multiple relationships, but everyone involved has agreed to the situation. And gets what they, personally, want out of it, I might add.
And yes, polyamorous people can still cheat. Because cheating is about breaking the rules. Those rules might be different for each relationship, but breaking those rules is just as much considered cheating as in monogamy.
…a way to fix a broken relationship
Polyamory will not fix your broken relationship. If you are in a troubled monogamous relationship, polyamory isn’t a cure-all. It’s not designed to bring you closer together if you aren’t addressing the real issues.
That’s not to say there aren’t elements of ethical non-monogamy that can’t be tried as part of working on your relationships. Quite often, embracing freedoms it offers is what a relationship needs. And of course, the problem may be that you both feel constrained by monogamy.
But polyamory isn’t going to fix all your troubles. But even if that’s the case, don’t expect to get any benefits if you don’t do the work.
…all about sex
I know this is a surprise to a lot of people. The only reason anyone would want to be non-monogamous is to sleep with different people, right?
Wrong.
Monogamous relationships don’t have to be all about sex. So why would a polyamorous one?
Yes, for a lot of people sexual freedom is a big part of the draw. But polyamory is all about the emotional connection. It’s about finding and falling in love with new people, each of whom brings something different into your life.
There are even polyamorous people out there who don’t involve sex in their relationships at all. For them, it’s all about the emotional connection, and nothing more.
… about building a harem
We’re not Pokemon. No one’s trying to catch ’em all.
The fantasy of being the centre of a harem, surrounded by beautiful men and/or women, is just that. A fantasy. And an unrealistic one.
Polyamory isn’t about racking up the numbers. It’s about making connections. If you looking only to date as many people as possible you’re going to run into two problems. First, it’s not going to be satisfying in the long-term without any real emotional fulfilment. And secondly, word will spread. The polyamorous scene isn’t huge, and people will learn your reputation.
…a kink
Polyamory is not a fetish.
This is a common misconception, as there is admittedly a lot of overlap between the polyamorous and kink worlds. A lot of people are looking to explore kinks their partners aren’t interest in. Non-monogamy allows them to find likeminded people to play with.
Some forms of ethical non-monogamy are more kink-based, such as swinging. But polyamory is about emotional connections.
…a phase
No, we’re not going to grow out of it. Polyamory isn’t something we do while waiting for a “real” relationship. Nor is it something we realise we don’t need anymore.
Of course, some people try polyamory and decide it’s not for them. And that’s fine. But this doesn’t mean it was a phase. It was something they tried out that didn’t work out.
That’s not to say polyamorous people will always want multiple partners. It’s perfectly possible to find everything you want for now with one person. But that doesn’t mean you are no longer polyamorous. Just that you have made the choice to currently only see one person.
…just being greedy/indecisive
I’m not gathering people around me because I want more. If anything, the fact I’m sharing them makes polyamory less greedy than monogamy. And, of course, some polyamorous relationships are closed anyway.
I’m also not just unable to make a decision on who I’d want to choose to be with. That, my friend, is just plain old having a problem with commitment.
…casual
Here’s a big one. Polyamory isn’t about casual relationships. It’s about emotional connections.
You don’t have to be living together or married to be serious. You don’t even need to see someone regularly. But you both know that the relationship is serious to you both, with clearly defined and agreed boundaries.
If you’re looking to pop in and out of someone’s life as and when you feel like it, with no structure or agreements, then that’s not polyamory my friend.
This is, by no means, a definitive list. There are many more misconceptions and prejudices that colour people’s ideas of what polyamory is.
Education is important. Because orthodox relationship models are so ingrained, we don’t see the need for further education. But relationships are changing, and are far more varied than we’ve previously believed.
