No, You Can’t Do Polyamory “Wrong”
Photo: katemangostar | www.freepik.com
When I talk to people new to polyamory, I’ve noticed a common insecurity come up again and again.
“I’m worried I’m doing it wrong.”
So, let’s clear this up right now: You can’t do polyamory “wrong”.
Where does this worry come from?
Quite simply, society has conditioned us to believe there is a “correct” way to build a relationship.
From the earliest days of childhood, the traditional, heteronormative, monogamous relationship model is ingrained in us. TV, movies, books, all forms of media have promoted this ideal of what a relationship should be. We date, we meet “The One”, we move in together, we get married, we have children, etc., etc., etc.
And this ubiquitousness leads us to feel that polyamory must be the same. That there must be a formula we need to follow.
It’s this that leads to the worry that we can somehow do polyamory “wrong”. But what polyamory — and any kind of ethical non-monogamy — teaches us is that this mindset is incorrect. In fact, it’s more than incorrect. It’s dangerous, whatever your relationship model.
The concept of “right” and “wrong” in relationships is toxic
When we adhere to the idea that there is a single relationship model that we are required to follow, we are prevented from actively engaging with ourselves.
Think about it. When you’ve built past relationships, did you ever stop and think why you wanted what you wanted? I didn’t. At least, not any further than wanting to feel wanted. Beyond the point of being in a relationship for its own sake, I never once sat down and thought about what I wanted from my relationships. I only thought about what my relationships were supposed to be.
And putting the needs of a relationship over our own needs is toxic.
Relationships should be something we build around ourselves. The point of any relationship is to bring mutual benefit and growth to all those involved. You aren’t going to find that mutual benefit by taking a structure designed for someone else and trying to force yourself into it.
This is why learning about polyamory is important.
Polyamory forces us to think differently
When you’re coming into something new and unknown, it’s natural to want to look at what already works. Sometimes the least stressful way to try something is to use an established template.
But without the luxury — if it can be called a luxury — of having an established cultural model to follow, polyamory forces us to think actively about what we want our relationships to look like. To take into account our personal needs and desires, as well as those of the other people involved, and make sure they are addressed.
If there is a common relationship element that doesn’t work with you and your partner(s) personalities, then leave it out. If there is something uncommon — or even “weird” — that works for you, then include it. It’s all up to you.
This is why you can’t do it “wrong”. Because the only “right” way to do it is up to you.
We’re all in the same boat
I can understand that this can be intimidating.
When you first enter the polyamorous community it can seem like everyone you meet knows exactly what they’re doing. But don’t think for a second they haven’t felt — or, more likely, still feel — the same insecurities you do now. We’re all worried we’re doing things wrong, or wondering why it all seems so easy to everyone else when it’s so hard for us.
There will, of course, be those people who try and insist they have found “The Way”. The one true path to “successful” polyamory. Don’t let them fool you. The only reason people ever insist their way is the only way is to cover up their own insecurities.
The important thing to remember is that when you are new to polyamory, it’s okay to be uncomfortable or uncertain.
You are coming into a new community, cutting yourself free from a lot of the safety nets you’ve relied on in the past. You’re meeting new people and opening yourself up to emotional and sexual experiences and turmoils.
No honest person will ever tell you that their journey into ethical non-monogamy was easy.
But one thing you don’t need to worry about is whether you’re doing things wrong. There are many different ways to be polyamorous. And just because something works for one person, it doesn’t mean that it will work for you.
So give yourself a break. You’re doing something brave and exciting.
And you’re doing great.
