How Do I Ask Out My Friend’s Girlfriend?
Even when we are non-exclusive, does that make it any less awkward when we fancy someone a friend is already dating?
Recently, at a party, I found myself talking to someone attractive, interesting, and non-monogamous.
You might think I'd hit the jackpot! But the reason I knew they were non-monogamous was they were as this party on a date with one of my polyamorous friends. But while that's not a deal-breaker in polyamory, how are you supposed to ask out your friend's girlfriend when that friend is right there?
The numbers are against us
According to a 2015 study, only 7% of the general population consider themselves to be polyamorous. And that makes finding dates difficult.
Even if you include the 25% of people who were "Not polyamorous, but interested", it doesn't really open things up. At best, that's a little over a quarter of people you meet being potentially open to the idea of non-monogamous dating. But even then, do you want to invest time in a relationship with someone who isn't 100% committed to polyamory?
So with between 68% and 93% of the population cut off, how are we supposed to find dates?
There are dating apps, but I only know of two that allow you to filter matches based on non-monogamy. That leaves polyamorous social events communities. (Which are great not only for dating but for finding a safe and supportive community). Luckily, these are becoming easier to find, even if you're not in a big city.
But once you've found these groups, there is still one problem. In polyamory, "available" and "single" do not mean the same thing. But asking someone out when their other partners are theoretical is one thing. Asking someone out when their partner is there in the room is another.
But how do you ask someone out when their partner is not only in the same room, but that partner is your friend?
Could you Do it while her partner watches?
The thing about my friends is they have great taste. And so they often end up dating people I find myself attracted to.
This has happened a couple of times, but let me know one example from earlier in the year. I was at a birthday party, as were a number of my friends, and one of them had brought a new date. I didn't start hitting on this person the instant I saw them. But as she and I spoke throughout the night, we hit it off. She was attractive and smart, and we found we shared many of the same interests.
And I wanted to ask her out.
But how could I? She was here with my friend. On a date with my friend. But if she was dating my friend, who is polyamorous, that meant she had to be at least non-monogamous. And if so, there should have been no problem with me asking?
Should there?
Working through the monogamy hangover
In the end, the end of my story is pretty anti-climactic.
Towards the end of the night, when I found a moment when it was just the two of us, I asked her if she'd like to get a coffee with me sometime. She said no thank you, I said that was fine, and we continued our conversation.
That's all it took. Polyamory is about openness. Yes, this person was on a date with my friend, but in polyamory, that doesn't necessarily forbid me from least expressing my interest.
So why did it?
What I was feeling was a hangover from monogamy. The idea that my asking this lady out would be a subtle dig at my friend, saying that I would be a better date than he was. There was also the concept that, by dating this person, my friend had a "claim" on her. A claim that I had no right to infringe on.
And that's not how polyamory works.
In the end, this was a bit of a non-issue. I felt attracted to someone, I asked them out, they said no thank you, and we moved on.
All the worries I experienced were part of the hangover from monogamy, where the idea she was dating one person somehow granted an automatic exclusivity around her and a sense of competition between her partner and me.
But this is one of the many reasons I love polyamory. It takes us beyond these ideas of possession and competition and into a place where each interaction is judged on its own merits. I know this person didn't want to date me because that was her choice at that time. Not because she wasn't allowed to consider me. Not because her partner was a better option. But because she had been free to make that choice on her own.