How To Make Polyamory Work for You When Things Get Hard
Building a Relationships is Like Visiting a Sweet Shop (Just Try to Avoid Getting a Stomach Ache).
"It's all so hard. I'm not sure polyamory works for me."
A lot of people dismiss polyamory out of hand. We've all had the phrase "Oh, I could never do something like that" thrown at us as if we'd asked. But while it's easy to dismiss this opinion from someone who's never even tried non-monogamy, what do we do when it comes from someone who's been living the lifestyle for years?
But, like it or not, the polyamory wall is real. I've had more than one friend who, after months or even years of enjoying ethical non-monogamy, reached a point where everything seems to be falling apart.
Does this mean that polyamory simply doesn't work in the long term?
No. In the majority of cases, what it means is they haven't taken the time to work out what they actually want from it.
What do you actually want from polyamory?
Ethical non-monogamy isn't a homogeneous blob. When you decide to move beyond monogamy, you don't simply take off one suit and put on another. It's understandable why we'd think this. After all, we've been brought up believing all relationships fit a "standard" model. It's only logical that polyamory would be a similar model, just with different rules.
And herein lies the problem. It's a fundamental misunderstanding of what ethical non-monogamy is.
So I want to talk about something I call The Relationship Sweetshop.
The Relationship Sweetshop
Imagine a sweetshop. One of those old-fashioned sweetshops straight out of a Roald Dahl novel, its cavernous recesses lined with shelf after shelf of glass jars filled with colour and magic. The kind of shop that seems to hold more sweets than anyone could eat in a lifetime.
Monogamy is a child being taken to this sweetshop by their parents. They are allowed in only at set times and only allowed to buy certain sweets. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with those sweets. They're delicious. They're enticing. They're very nearly addictive. If you could, you'd eat nothing else but those sweets. But all the other choices are out of your reach, no matter how tempting or enticing they might be.
Polyamory, on the other hand, is a child being given free rein in this sweetshop. Everything is available. All the different jars and boxes that were once mysterious and unknown are open to us. Not only can we grab handfuls of the things we've always wanted to try, but we're also free to seek out and try ones we never even knew were there.
But here's the thing. Not everyone likes every kind of sweet. Some people, for example, love liquorice, while I can't stand it. Sometimes we try something new, and we won't like it. Sometimes we love one sweet for a while, only to grow bored of it later. Sometimes no longer having someone tell you you can't have something causes us to lose our desire for it. And, over time, we might even find ourselves missing the sweets we used to be restricted to.
And, of course, if we don't maintain self-control, we soon learn why our parents never let us eat too many sweets. Stomach aches and sugar crashes are real, and when they happen, it's easy to vow we'll never eat sugar again.
It’s “Pick ’n’ Mix”, not “Shovel it All In the Bag”
Relationships are a sweetshop, and each jar holds one element of them. Perhaps Milk Chocolate is sexual exclusivity. Peppermints can be living with a partner. Fudge is marriage, while Fizzy Cola Bottles can be a civil partnership. Jelly babies can be having children, while Jelly Beans can be adoption. Cherry lips can be swinging, and Marshmallows can be polyamory.
Great, now I'm hungry. But I think you get my point.
And just as in a real sweet shop, once you're an adult, you can go in and pick whichever sweets work for you. You don't have to pick what you've had before or what everyone else has. And you're also allowed to change your mind. If you're getting a stomach ache, choose fewer sweets. If a sweet you've been eating for a while no longer appeals, you can simply stop picking it and look for something else.
"It's all so hard. I'm not sure polyamory works for me" is the same as saying, "I have a stomach ache, I don't think I like sweets". You do like sweets. You've simply eaten too many today. And polyamory does still work for you. You just need to adjust which elements you are embracing.
Relationships are about you, not the other way around. Want to live together? Great! Want to sleep with people but not form emotional relationships? Go for it. Want to use the labels boyfriend and girlfriend? No? No problem, you do you.
Don't know exactly what it is you want yet? That's fine too!
It's perfectly acceptable to begin your journey into polyamory not knowing exactly what you want out of it. Just as it's perfectly acceptable to try different things until you discover what you like best. And remember, some people may find their perfect balance straight away, but for others, it can take years before things feel right.
Just because you get a stomach ache doesn't mean you don't like all sweets, and just because your relationships hit a rocky patch doesn't mean polyamory is "too hard". It means you need to take a step back and take a look at why it feels hard. Perhaps you need to slow down on a certain sweet for a while, or perhaps you need to admit you no longer want that particular sweet in your bag anymore.
People change. Relationships change. Never be afraid of that, and never be afraid of being open about it when it comes.