What do you do When Your Partner Goes Through a Breakup?
Breakups are hard, even when they are not our own. Watching someone you care about navigate the end of their relationship is always heartbreaking. But at least when it's a friend or family member going through a breakup, there is a level of disconnect. And as we're not personally involved, we're able to be there to support them.
But how does this work in polyamory? What are you supposed to do when it’s your romantic or sexual partner who’s going through a breakup?
I’ve written previously about how to handle going through a breakup when you’re polyamorous and the extra levels of difficulty this entails. But something I didn’t touch on in that article is how you go about handling looking after your partner when they are going through a breakup. Are you allowed to be upset? Do you have to step up and fill the gap their ex has left? Do you have to cut that person out of your life now, even if you're friends? What happens if you were part of a closely interconnected polycule?
All of these questions, and more, are part of one of the most painful parts of polyamory and one that barely any of us think about when we begin our journey. So, let’s take a moment to take a look at the things you need to consider when you are watching one of your partners go through a polyamorous breakup.
A quick note before we begin: this article assumes you are not also involved with your partner's ex. If you are dating the same person or are otherwise romantically or sexually involved with them, then you are in a whole other dynamic, which will need to be discussed in its own article.
Firstly, remember that this isn’t about you
The first point I want to make can seem a bit blunt, but it’s an important baseline when you are watching a partner go through a polyamorous breakup.
This isn’t about you.
It may sometimes feel that it is. The events surrounding your partner's break may directly impact you in multiple different ways, both practically and emotionally. But despite all this, you need to remember you are not the one going through the breakup. When some time has passed, you will be able to ask for time and space to address your issues, but for now, the focus needs to be on your partner.
I think this was put best by a former partner of mine when they were watching me go through a huge breakup:
I did not cause it, nor did I feel like I had, I couldn’t fix it and I couldn’t ask them to fix it just because I felt hurt for them. There is a level of selflessness you have to achieve, not to ignore your own feelings, but, to put it bluntly…this isn’t about you. My job was to support Tom and the job to myself was recognise the attack to the equilibrium I thought I had found.
Yes, your feelings, emotions, and pain are all valid and will need to be addressed in time. But right now, you need to recognise that you are not going to help your partner by making things about you.
You are allowed to have your own feelings (positive or negative) about the situation
While you need to remember that your partner's breakup is not about you, that doesn't mean your own thoughts, feelings, and emotions are not valid.
Relationships are complicated, and breakups are messy for everyone involved. And you are going to have opinions about the people involved and the details of the breakup. Maybe you really liked your ex-metamour, and will miss not having them in your life. Perhaps you secretly disliked them and are glad your partner finally saw sense and ditched them. You might be worried about how this will impact your own relationship with your partner. You might even think your partner is at fault for the breakup and that they are handling things badly.
All of your feelings are valid. If you need time to process them, take that time. You’ll likely need to step away from your partner to do this so as not to dump your problems on them. This is why support networks are important, whether it's friends or a therapist so that you also have people to talk with about what's happening.
Just remember, if these thoughts and feelings about the breakup are something you need to address with your partner, make sure you do this at the right time.
Your relationship doesn’t have to change (but recognise that things will shift)
Just because your partner’s other relationship has ended doesn’t mean that yours will necessarily have to change.
For many people, this will almost certainly happen to at least some degree. When one person leaves our lives, our other relationship have the freedom to grow into the recently vacated space. Your partner will, once they are through the worst, have more time and energy to dedicate to someone, and maybe that someone will be you.
But this doesn't have to be the case. Casual relationships are valid, and they don't mean you won't want to be there to support them through a hard time like a breakup. But while some relationships are casual because the people involved don't have time for more, any are casual because that's what works. Just because your partner suddenly has more time for you doesn't mean you want any of it.
Polyamory doesn't work on a ranking system, where once a player is eliminated, all other players move up a position. Each relationship is separate and only needs to change if both of you actually want it to.
You are not obliged to do anything (depending on your relationship)
Following on from the previous point, as harsh as it may seem to say, you are not obliged to do anything to support a partner through a polyamorous breakup.
How much you want to get involved with your partner’s breakup comes down to the nature of your relationship. I would imagine in the vast majority of cases, we would all want to step up to support someone we care about in such a difficult time. We’d do the same to any friend, so why would it be different for a romantic or sexual partner?
But not all polyamorous or ethically non-monogamous relationships are like this. What you have with your partner might be purely physical. Or you might have an agreement that your relationships are exclusively parallel, and so you don’t want to get involved in their other relationships in any way, shape, or form.
It is perfectly acceptable to maintain the boundaries you have in place and not “get involved” with your partner's emotional situation if that is what your existing Relationship Agreement sets out.
This isn’t, of course, an excuse to be a dick or hurtful. Telling someone to their face you don't care if they are hurting or going through a hard time is not okay. But you also don’t need to feel guilty about not stepping up to support someone if that’s not the agreed nature of your relationship.)
You will need to address what's going to happen to your polycule
When two people breakup, it’s not only them who are affected. Even in monogamy, whole friendship groups can be impacted by a breakup.
Even when breakups are mutual and amicable, there will always be an impact on everyone's social group. From people not being able to do things as a group for a while to friends literally having to choose who they stay in contact with, a breakup can create seismic changes in multiple people's lives.
And these complications are only magnified by polyamory, polycules, and the concept of Kitchen Table Polyamory. What happens if you are part of a close, interknit polycule? Does it have to split up? What happens if you are close friends with your partner’s now ex, and you want to support them just as much? Do you have to choose between them?
I have seen entire polycules fall apart by two people breaking up. But then I've also seen instances of everyone involved working together to adjust and, over time, coming back just as strong as they were before. And remember, this isn't unique to polyamory. The same thing that happens to a polycule can happen to a monogamous friend group. Sometimes, it turns out that a social group is being held together by one core relationship, and without that, people drift apart.
Breakups change things (and you’re not going to change that)
The sad fact of the matter is that breakups change things.
If there is a breakup in your polycule, things are going to change. How much and how badly depends on the people and the situation. Sometimes, it might simply be that two people need a bit of time and space and so the group simply needs to work on adjusting their dynamic until things settle back down. But it might also be that those two people can no longer be near each other. And if this is the case, I'm afraid that everyone involved in the polycule is going to have to adjust their lives accordingly, making difficult and upsetting decisions about who can be in their lives.
All that helps in this situation is having done the work on your communication and emotional intelligence as a group. Hopefully, this will mean you have the tools you all need to navigate through this shift in the balance of your lives with minimal disruption. If not, then at least you'll all be better prepared to handle the aftermath.
Breakups in polyamory suck just as much as they do in any other relationship. I wish I could give better advice about what to do when your partner is going through a breakup, but I can’t. All I can do is remind you that sometimes life is hard. Sometimes it outright sucks. And not all relationships are destined to last forever.
The only real difference between monogamous and polyamorous breakups is that in polyamory you will find yourself involved in other people’s breakups in a way you haven’t had much experience in. But then, that doesn't make them unique. There are so many experiences we go through on our polyamory journey that we don't have experience in. Breakups are no different. We simply need to prepare and hope we're able to handle the situation when it comes.
My only real advice for handling being on the outside of a polyamorous breakup is that it will always be easier when everyone involved has been practising emotional intelligence and communication. Just as in any relationship. Because hopefully, if you’ve been working on your polyamory and actively learning about how to create healthy relationships, you will have, without realising it, begun setting up the foundation where a breakup is, if not easy, at least easier.
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