What Do I Do if My Partner Asks for an Open Relationship?
Wanting to explore polyamory is not a sign your partner is unhappy with you, but it could be beneficial (even if you don’t try it)
What do I do if my partner asks for an open relationship?
It’s a question that can rock the foundations of any relationship. Sometimes, it comes out of the blue. Other times, it’s an idea that gets raised as a potential solution when things are a bit rocky. And sometimes, it’s something brought up at the beginning of a new relationship as something a new date has been thinking about exploring in their relationships.
And I’m fairly confident that your knee-jerk reaction is to worry that this means they aren’t happy with you. That you've done something wrong or you're somehow not satisfying them. Why would they want to date other people unless you weren't good enough alone?
Well, I can promise that you or your partner asking for an open relationship is not necessarily a sign anything is wrong with your relationship. But navigating the request can still be tricky, especially when - as is usually the case - you, or both of you, have had no real education about ethical non-monogamy, what it really is, and what it entails.
So, let’s discuss what you might be feeling and the steps you need to take when your partner asks for an open relationship.
This topic has been on my mind recently because I’ve been seeing this question come up a lot on social media.
The relationship and polyamory social media circles can be wild. While they can offer a wonderful place to ask questions and seek out advice, they also contain many people who have very strong opinions on a subject they know very little about and a lot of judgment for anyone who doesn't do relationships exactly the same way as everyone else.
This is why asking about open relationships in a standard relationship forum can be incredibly unhelpful. Usually, you will get replies saying that someone wanting an open relationship is a sign they are not committed, looking for a way to slowly break up with you, or are already or on the verge of cheating and want to assuage their guilt. You’ll also inevitably get people telling you that every couple they’ve known to open up has then broken up.
But if you're reading this article, well done. You've come to an actual polyamory website to learn about what this question means for you and your partner. So, let's take a look.
Your partner asking about an open relationship doesn’t mean your relationship is in trouble
First and foremost, it’s important to know that your partner being curious about ethical non-monogamy isn’t a sign that you are not enough for them, that they are bored of you, or that they’ve been cheating on you. Or any other nonsense you might hear from people.
But don’t worry. It’s natural to have thought that. We’ve been brought up in a culture where sexual and romantic exclusivity are seen as the signs of a committed relationship. We’re taught - directly and subconsciously - that anything less than one-on-one committed and exclusive relationships are not "real", and wanting anything different is a sign you don't really love your partner.
This is not true. There are many different types of relationships, just as there are many different types of people. And some of those people don’t need or don’t want exclusivity in their relationships.
Your partner asking about an open relationship doesn’t mean they definitely want it to happen
Healthy relationships are about growing together as a team. No relationship remains the same indefinitely. Over the weeks, months, and years, you grow and change into new people. And as this change happens, it's natural to look around and wonder what other things you might do together. What are other couples doing that makes them happy? What new things might be fun to try together?
But looking at something and becoming curious about it doesn’t mean you will definitely decide to try it.
Being curious about polyamory doesn’t mean you want to explore it
It’s natural to be curious about opening up your relationship. The only real representation we see of it in the media focuses on the sexual element, with beautiful people having threesomes and orgies all over the place. These are very common sexual fantasies, and it’s only natural someone might want to discuss giving it a try.
But that doesn’t mean anything will happen. After an open and honest discussion, you might both decide it’s not something either of you want. Sometimes, it's the fantasy that is the exciting thing, and the idea of actually making it happen in real life isn't appealing at all.
This doesn't mean you should be dismissive. You don't get to hear them out and then tell them they don't really want to explore an open relationship. That's condescending, which isn't a great look in a healthy relationship. But it means you don't have to panic. Talking these ideas through together is the first step, and you can see where things go from there before you make any decisions.
Your partner asking about an open relationship doesn’t mean both of you have to be open
Just because your partner is interested in sleeping with other people doesn’t mean you have to.
This one is a bit of a tricky area. What you want to avoid is a situation where you are only agreeing to let your partner sleep with other people out of fear that you’ll lose them if you say no. But there are very happy couples in the world where only one of them dates other people.
This can be for various reasons. It might be that you are okay with the idea of polyamory but simply don’t have any time or energy in your personal life for other partners. Or it might be that your partner wants to explore or fulfil a need you can’t provide. A common example of this is when someone discovers they are bisexual only after they are in a committed relationship and wants the opportunity to explore this side of themselves without risking a happy and otherwise fulfilling relationship.
You can open up your relationship as much or as little as you are comfortable with
It’s important to remember that, when it comes to ethical non-monogamy, you are allowed to go as far as you want. Your partner asking about an open relationship does not necessarily mean they are going to fall in love with someone new and demand they move in with you both. It might simply be that they have a need or desire that you, through no fault of your own, cannot fulfil.
An “open” relationship can range from random hook-ups, playing with other couples, attending sex parties, all the way to falling in love with multiple people and creating a whole family unit with them.
But the important part is that it’s up to you. Try not to be overwhelmed by the possibilities.
Your partner asking about an open relationship might mean your relationship is missing something
Okay, the focus of this article has so far been about reassuring you that your partner asking about an open relationship doesn't mean anything is wrong. But life isn’t always sunshine and flowers. I'm afraid that there is always the possibility that this is actually the case and something actually is wrong.
Not every relationship is destined to last a lifetime. It sucks, and it hurts, but sometimes you have to accept that a relationship has given you everything it’s going to, and it’s time to wrap things up.
And yes, one partner considering something new and seemingly drastic, such as opening up the relationship, can be a sign that this time has come. It might be that they are starting to become interested in other people but haven’t recognised the relationship is over, or they are hoping that “spicing things up” will re-energise things. And while sometimes these ideas can work and revitalise a relationship, often they are only a bandaid on a problem you can't fix.
But shutting down the discussion isn’t going to prevent a relationship from ending if it’s come to its natural end. And while you need to accept that this is a possibility, you still want to have the full conversation.
Because…
Your partner asking about an open relationship might be the best thing to happen to you both (even if you don't decide to try it)
Polyamory is amazing. Ethical non-monogamy is amazing. And if it can work for you, it can open up a whole world of new possibilities.
I’ve written before on some of the many unexpected benefits of polyamory. There are many people - and I count myself as one of them - who had absolutely no idea how well polyamory would suit them. When my partner and I had the conversation that led to the idea of opening our relationship, I hadn't dreamed about the world I was about to experience.
But even if you decide polyamory isn’t for you and want to keep your relationship exclusive, learning more about how to have a successful, ethically non-monogamous relationship is very beneficial for anyone, no matter what their relationship.
The thing about relationships is that we don’t think about them as something that needs to be actively worked on. But this isn’t true. Relationship skills need to be practised and developed. And what polyamory does is force us to look at these skills from a different angle that makes it easier to see not only where we need work but how to work on them. So, learning about what makes ethical non-monogamy work can actually lead to much healthier and more rewarding monogamous relationships.
If your partner asks about exploring the idea of an open relationship, don’t be scared.
Or if you are the one thinking about instigating this conversation, please don’t worry. Yes, your partner might be scared or have a knee-jerk reaction, but hopefully, if your relationship is healthy, you will be able to communicate.
Discussing the idea of opening your relationship doesn’t mean you’re going to become fully polyamorous. There are many different kinds of ethical non-monogamy to experience. And even if you decide against it, learning more about this lifestyle can do wonders for every style of relationship, even monogamous ones.
So don’t be afraid of the difficult conversations. They could be the start of something amazing.
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