“Cheating but telling your partner” and other nonsense you’ll hear when you’re polyamorous
When you live a life that differs from the norm, people get scared. And scared people lash out.
And so, if you’re polyamorous, prepare for some negative reactions.
If you’re lucky, the people in your life will be kind and understanding. They may not get what you’re doing, but they’ll be happy for you.
But a lot of people lash out when forced to face a lifestyle that goes against their own. Some are simply insecure, unwilling to actively address their own choices in life. Others have been indoctrinated by belief systems that do not allow individuality or straying from the prescribed path. And then there are simply Trolls, looking to get a rise out of people for no other reason than the fun of it.
Whatever the reason, at some point, you’re going to get backlash for your non-monogamy. Especially if you start talking about it online.
So I thought I’d share a few of the Comments I have received and discuss what’s behind them. Because you see, nothing said was new. These are arguments I’ve heard time and again. Especially online.
And they’re worth sharing because if you are unfortunate enough to have to deal with people spewing these outdated opinions, it can be reassuring to know you’re not the only one hearing them.
NOTE: In the interests of readability, I’ve tidied up some of these Comments rather than present them as originally written.
Also, if I refer to any Commenter’s gender or age, it’s taken from their profile. But I won’t be tagging anyone directly.
This is utter bullshit and eventually doesn’t work if you actually want a long term committed relationship. These are just self-centred assholes who can’t stand not fucking a million people. What an asshole.
Ah yes. This old chestnut. Polyamory as nothing more than an excuse for indiscriminate sex.
This one isn’t actually about polyamory. It’s about shaming people for unashamedly enjoying sex. And a lot of people still cling to that idea of our sexuality being somehow “sinful”.
Because remember, ethical non-monogamy is not about sex. Yes, it can be part of it, but only because, for most people, sex is simply part of relationships. But not for everyone. Asexuality is a real thing. And some people only seek out emotional intimacy.
Don’t let anyone judge you for who you are. And especially don’t feel bad for embracing human connections, simply because some people are stuck on outdated ideas about what a relationship “has” to be.
I definitely see unmistakable patterns in how the more poly is excepted, the easier it is for women to flat out humiliate their so-called lovers as wrongfully and disrespectfully as possible. I get it. Some dudes are into that kinda shit. Cool, but it’s the type of shit I will never tolerate whatsoever never again.
Ah, and the Incel contingent raises its head.
Again, this isn’t about polyamory. It’s about women having sexual and romantic autonomy. This is someone who has chosen to see women as creatures who love to humiliate men with their sexuality. Therefore, polyamory is just a way for them to get to do this on a larger scale.
Notice “wrongfully and disrespectfully” and “never tolerate… again”. I don’t know whether this person has been hurt in the past or resents the fact he’s not been able to get a girlfriend. Whatever the case, he has issues with relationships he needs to address.
Don’t let other people’s twisted views on relationships and gender affect you. This kind of poison spreads from mind to mind, but you shouldn’t halt your own life because of their ideas. Yes, some people find it harder to find partners than others, but that’s not your responsibility.
Whether you are roommates or great friends living separately, it is still friends with benefits. For some reason, the concept needs to have a new moniker. Straight has become ‘cisgender’, and FWB has become ‘polyamory’. You know, cheating but telling your partner.
And now the Boomers take their turn.
The world is changing. New words crop up, and old ones gain new meanings. And some people simply cannot accept that the world is not longer the one where they knew everything.
So, for the record, ‘cisgender’ isn’t the same as ‘straight’, and ‘FWB’, while a form of ethical non-monogamy, isn’t polyamory. And dismissing them as the same won’t make them go away.
Don’t allow other people to dismiss you just because the world has passed them by. The same thing will happen to all of us. Don’t be that person who thinks the world peaked with their generation.
Ingenious. Invent a word to justify your acts. (Merriam-Webster, Cambridge dictionaries do not have this word)
Okay, fair. I checked, and “compersion” — which this article was about — is not in the online versions of either of those dictionaries. But do you know what other words we once not in the dictionary? Almost all of them.
This commenter clearly sees ethical non-monogamy as something inherently immoral. Something we need to justify to ourselves and to others. But there is nothing to justify. We’re simply living the life we’ve chosen and, hopefully, ensuring it’s as ethical as possible.
Don’t let anyone tell you that your life choices aren’t valid simply because they aren’t the mainstream. Or because someone else has not heard of them before. The world changes, and we learn new ways of living. We’re not seeking justification, just definition.
Hopefully, (if and) when it comes time to create a child, the relationship would be monogamous (I suppose you have an on/off switch) or perhaps, use DNA test to determine paternity. (Or do you care? Perhaps, the child could be put in foster care?)
Wow. Where to start with this one?
The idea that only heterosexual couples can safely raise a child is frankly insulting. The idea of “it takes a village to raise a child” is far older and more established than the concept of the nuclear family. Genetics don’t make a parent. Heteronormativity doesn’t make a family.
I’d be willing to bet this person also doesn’t believe that same-sex couples should raise children, either. Because, as we all know, no child has ever been abused or poorly brought up in a traditional two-parent family, right?
Don’t allow anyone to use children as a weapon in their crusade to defend the status quo. Many do. They throw around the idea that anything new creates danger for those “too young to understand”. The only thing any child needs is a safe, secure upbringing. And that can come from any dynamic.
I decided to share these Comments with you all, as I wanted to demonstrate that whatever you might hear — from strangers or those closer to you — you’re not alone.
These are by no means an exhaustive list. These are merely ones I have collected in my time on Medium. You’ll no doubt hear other examples while on your journey. They may hit close to home. They may hurt. And they may make you doubt the validity of the ethically non-monogamous life.
But they are not the truth. Your choice is valid. Your life is valid. And you are valid.
And if it ever gets hard, we are out here to support you. And if you ever feel it’s all too much, reach out. We’re a community, and no one can take that away from us.
