10 (More) Words You Should Know Coming Into Polyamory
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A short while ago I posted an article exploring 10 words that everything should know when exploring ethical non-monogamy.
One thing I made sure to make clear in this article was that it wasn’t exhaustive. The 10 words I had selected were little more than a small selection of the language used in the ethical non-monogamous scene. The ethical non-monogamy scene is sprawling and beautiful. As you progress on your journey you will always be learning.
And so, in that spirit of continued education, here, in no particular order, are 10 more words you should know.
Disclaimer: This article, like all my others, is aimed to assist others on their own journey into polyamory, but I don’t claim to be an authority, and definitely not an expert, in the field. I’ve made no grand study of the community or undertaken extensive clinical interviews.
All my knowledge has been gained through my own experiences, research, and interactions with others gained during my journey into polyamory.
Cowboy
Someone who dates an ethically non-monogamous person intending to convert them to monogamy.
There will always be people who feel ENM and polyamory are a phase. Something somebody can be convinced or shamed into giving up. Like a cowboy herding cattle, they pick you out and aim to separate you from the protection of the “herd”.
The insidious nature of these people is how they use social expectation as a weapon. They will insist “everyone has to settle down eventually”. Or insist if you really loved them you’d change.
Some cowboys are direct, coming at you with the active intention to win you. But they can also be more insidious, insisting they are okay with you seeing other people while making it clear they are unhappy in the hope you will decide to give it all up to make them happy.
Kitchen Table Polyamory
A form of polyamory where everyone’s lives are intermingled.
Just because you want to build connections with multiple people, doesn’t mean you don’t want the intimacy and shared lives traditionally associated with monogamy. And this is where Kitchen Table Polyamory comes in.
In this arrangement, a polycule will have interconnected lives. Even those not in direct sexual or romantic relationships will have combined lives. They will have dinner together. Hang out as a group. Go on holiday. This is especially common where children are involved. Often parenting duties can be shared between everyone involves.
Essentially, they form a non-traditional family unit. It’s not for everyone, but it’s important to realise that being polyamorous does not preclude all the benefits of “family”.
Telemour
A partner of your partner’s partner.
Okay, this one is a little more confusing. So, if someone is dating your partner but not you, they become your Metamour. Anyone else dating your Metamour becomes your Telemour.
Not everyone is bothered about having labels this far out of their immediate sphere. It’s similar to how many layers deep you consider your polycule. As with so much in ethical non-monogamy, you get to work out what feels comfortable for you.
But for those with more interactive polycules, especially those more engaged with Kitchen Table Polyamory, it’s often a useful descriptor.
Primary
A “main” partner, to who you are more committed than other people you see.
Some people consider themselves to have a “main” relationship with one person, and all other relationships to come after them. This partner will be known as their “Primary”.
A Primary Partner isn’t necessarily more important than any others. Often it means that you simply share more connections or commitments. In many cases, this is because you were partners before beginning to explore polyamory. You may have a more established life, very similar to a monogamous one, while other partners are more casual.
Many people dislike this term, feeling it isn’t fair to assign this sort of importance to one partner over another. But as long as everyone is communicating there isn’t inherently anything bad in this type of relationship if it works for you
Secondary
A partner you see outside of your “main” relationship.
The other side of the coin to a Primary. A Secondary Relationship will often be considered more “casual” by both partners. Often, but not always, it be something similar to a Friends With Benefits situation.
Most importantly, a Secondary Relationship is in no way less valid than a Primary one. The only difference is the amount of interconnection participants have in their lives.
Nesting Partner
A partner with who you live, but with who you are not exclusive.
In the most basic terms, a Nesting Partner is the partner you live with.
There can be many reasons you live with one partner and not others. It may be you both came to ethical non-monogamy while already living together. It may be you have one partner whose lifestyle best matches your own on a domestic level. Or it could be you feel more committed to one partner over any others.
New Relationship Energy (NRE)
The excitement of exploring a new connection or relationship.
Anyone who has been part of a new relationship — polyamorous or monogamous — will have experienced NRE. That heady fizz of excitement for just being with them exploring and learning about each other.
But in ethical non-monogamy, it presents a danger. While nothing should stop you from enjoying NRE with a new partner, be careful not to allow it to damage your current relationships. An established partner can easily come to resent all your attention being focused elsewhere.
Whenever you make a new connection you should be communicating with your existing partners anyway. This is simply one of the things to keep an eye on.
Unicorn
An individual that dates both halves of an established couple.
A Unicorn is usually, but not always, a bisexual woman who would be interested in both halves of a heterosexual couple. But the term encompasses any individual a couple may want to find.
A unicorn is so named due it their seemingly mythical nature. Finding someone who matches you one-on-one is hard enough. When they have to meet the expectations of you and a partner, that difficulty skyrockets. When a couple is looking for a third person to join their relationship — either for a one-off sexual encounter or a long-term, triad relationship, finding someone who meets all their requirements is an almost impossible find.
The title of Unicorn is a contentious phrase. A lot of women dislike the word, feeling it reduces them to being a target for couples rather than an individual. However, others proudly embrace the title, enjoying being a regular guest star for established couples.
Unicorn Hunter
A couple looking for an individual (usually a bisexual woman) to join them.
There is nothing inherently wrong with Unicorn Hunting. However, there are pejorative connotations due to the high number of people who go about it the wrong way.
The common image of Unicorn Hunters is a heterosexual couple looking to experience a threesome, and hunting for a bisexual woman (the Unicorn) to join them. Now, a lot of people enjoy joining couples. But the problem arises when the couple treats the Unicorn as an object. Something to be brought in to fulfil their fantasies, rather than a human being with their own needs.
Unicorn Hunting requires a respectful and understanding mindset. Wanting to find a third person to join you isn’t a bad thing, as long as you treat everyone with respect.
Fluid Bond
The act of having barrier free sex.
The decision to have sex without a condom or other barrier is an intimate one to be made between two people.
For many people, condoms are non-negotiable in all cases. Others are happy to go without as long as recent STI test results are shared and other birth control methods are used.
But in ethical non-monogamy, there are often more people affected by a decision. You might be okay with sex without a barrier, but are your other partner(s)?
To many people, Fluid Bonding has taken on a ritual element. Something undertaken as an act of commitment. A way to differential between committed and casual relationships.
This it is still by no means an exhaustive list. The full spectrum of words and phrases used to define the ethically non-monogamous world is vast and always growing.
Any time you might think you’ve learnt it all, something new will be coined. We’re a creative bunch, and as understanding grows so will the words to define us.
But I hope it helps those of you new to the scene and unsure of all the vocabulary you’re finding thrown around.
