Why On Earth Would Anyone Want To Be Polyamorous?
Since beginning my journey into polyamory, I’ve heard all the traditional arguments against the lifestyle.
“You just want to have sex all the time”. “You’re just cheating on your partner with extra steps”. “It’s just a way for women to screw over multiple men at once”. “You just get off on humiliation”. “Why do you have to make up words to justify sleeping around?” “What will you do when you want children”.
But recently I was offered a new one. As an argument against ethical non-monogamy, it made as little sense as any of the others. But it was new.
“Ethical non-monogamous relationships aren’t fair” — sounds like they are painful, lonely, and awkward too. Why be in an ethical non-monogamous relationship at all? Why not just date a bunch of different people without that one steady relationship?
And you know what? This one seems to be spreading. After I received this comment, I started seeing very similar things on other polyamory accounts. So apparently, this is a growing opinion.
So let’s unpack this, shall we?
“…sounds like they are painful, lonely, and awkward too.”
Is this a fair way to describe ethically non-monogamous relationships?
Hell, yes.
All of us have grown up in a society where monogamy is the norm. And while there is nothing inherently wrong with monogamy, its monopoly has led to the rise of uncountable toxic behaviors and ideals.
Breaking out of these is hard. Even those who, like myself, find polyamory to be something that comes easily will have problems. I know I did. I can recognize now that I’ve always been polyamorous in my heart, but that doesn’t mean my journey hasn’t led me into a world of hurt at times. Especially when it was all new.
But let me ask you this? Is being monogamous a way to escape this?
Hell, no.
Let me assure you, I experienced my fair share of pain, loneliness, and awkwardness back in my monogamous days. Because relationship problems are just that. Relationship problems. They aren’t exclusive to any kind of relationship.
You’re not going to escape any of that pain by only dating one person at a time.
“Why not just date a bunch of different people without that one steady relationship?”
Because, of course, there can’t possibly be any overlap between wanting to explore sexually and wanting commitment.
But I wonder if this comment goes beyond the usual argument that you can see other people or be committed to someone, but not both. No, I think this comes from a fear of dating.
There’s no doubt about it. Dating can be scary. You’re opening yourself up to people, with just as much chance of being rejected as finding someone who likes you. Maybe more chance. To date is to make yourself vulnerable.
And then add all the insecurities of seeing your partner with someone else. If you’re worrying all the time that they might like someone else better than you only brings pain, why add that into the mix as well?
Because that pain is not an inherent part of dating. It’s personal insecurity mixing with societal expectations.
By choosing polyamory, we’re choosing to move beyond these fears. By not putting all our hopes and expectations onto one person, we free ourselves from the failure state we’ve manufactured.
You’re not confused about Polyamory. You’re confused about people thinking differently to you.
At the end of the day, I can understand why someone would not want to choose ethical non-monogamy.
What I don’t understand is how people don’t think about how it works before dismissing it.
Instead, they take how they would feel based on their way of life and crowbar that mindset into someone else’s. They don’t realise that living your life differently involves changing your mindset. If you have a monogamous mindset, then of course non-monogamy won’t make sense to you.
So if you’re looking at ethical non-monogamy and can’t see any reason why you would want to go through the hardships involved, don’t simply dismiss it. Instead, take a moment to consider that someone else might consider those hardships more than worth the rewards.
So, to answer the central question, why be in an ethical non-monogamous relationship at all?
Because it’s who I am. And while it can be painful, lonely, and awkward too, that doesn’t set it apart from any other kind of relationship. And the positives I get for working through everything vastly outweigh the negatives.
