7 Questions To Ask Yourself Before You Begin Polyamory
Starting your journey into ethical non-monogamy is stepping into the unknown. Whether you feel certain this is who you are, or if you are dipping your toe to see if ENM might be right for you, the one thing I can guarantee is you don’t truly know what’s ahead of you.
You might think you do, but believe me, you don’t. I’m lucky enough to have a lot of friends who are, in some way, part of the ethically non-monogamous world, and not one of them found it to be what they were expecting.
So, in the interest of helping you through those first steps, I’ve pulled together 7 questions that you should ask yourself as you begin your journey.
What do you want?
It’s incredible how many people don’t honestly think about what they actually want out of ethical non-monogamy.
Are you wanting multiple sex partners? Do you want to play separately or with your partner? Are you looking for casual sexual interactions or long-term emotional relationships? Do you want your partners to be involved in your home life or kept at a distance? Do you have any specific kinks of fantasies you want to explore?
And it’s vital to be honest with yourself, and your partner(s). Also, there’s no reason to feel ashamed. Believe me, you may feel what you want is “weird”, but once you find the right online spaces, there will be more than enough people who share your interests.
2. Are you ready for a new level of communication?
We all think we’re good communicators. But something I have learned is that there are a lot of assumptions bundled up with modern relationships that we don’t even realise are influencing us. And you’re going to have to learn to recognise these and move past them.
Ethical non-monogamy requires a deep commitment to communication. Does everyone involved know what’s going on? Does your partner know your plans? Are you sharing your emotions and insecurities in a healthy way? Are you actively checking in with your partners regularly?
And don’t expect that ever to stop. This communication needs to flow at every step. You’ll never be free of it. But the great thing is, once you’re used to it, you’ll recognise how much better your relationships are because of it.
3. Will you allow yourself to accept change?
Here are two important facts about beginning your journey into ethical non-monogamy: you don’t know everything it has to offer, and therefore you don’t know what you might want in the future.
It’s perfectly acceptable to decide that what you thought you wanted isn’t for you after all. Just as it’s fine to discover something new and want to try that. This includes, and let me be clear here, going back to monogamy.
Everything is fluid, and you’re allowed to change your mind. This may involve throwing yourself in deeper than you ever believed you’d want to. And, equally, it may involve backing away from things you always thought you wanted.
4. Are you willing to put in the work?
No relationship can exist without work. A lot of people forget that when they fall into the default, monogamous life. But that’s simply not an option with ethical non-monogamy.
Any relationship where you put in the minimum effort is doomed to fail (or at least be unfulfilling). Thinking that everything will work out for you is pure privilege. And ignoring that work for fear that you might fail is pure insecurity. And you need to work past both of these things.
Starting your journey into ethical non-monogamy, you will have to, at the bare minimum, learn about the scene and the options available to you. But as you do, you’ll also find yourself developing those fundamental relationship skills we all too often take for granted.
5. How open are you able and willing to be?
This is a problematic area for some people. I am an advocate for people being open and proud about who they are and what they do. No one should be ashamed of being ethically non-monogamous.
But we live in the real world, and some people simply don’t have that freedom. Whether it’s family, community, or your place of work, there can be many valid reasons why you would not want your lifestyle to be common knowledge.
If you have a valid reason to be less open about being ethical non-monogamy, you need to upfront about this. Some people simply don’t want to date something who has to keep them a secret. If that’s their boundary, you need to respect that. But it also means your friends are less likely to out you without meaning to.
6. What is your motivation?
This one is similar to our first question, but subtly different. Because once you’re being honest with yourself about what you want, the next thing to look at is why you want it.
There are many reasons to get into ethical non-monogamy. For some people, it just makes sense to them. Others wish to explore and experience new things. Some want the excitement of multiple sex partners. Everyone’s reasons are their own.
Just make sure your motivations are healthy. ENM is not going to save a failing relationship. Nor will a partner who repetitively cheats on or betrays you change that behaviour just because of a new relationship dynamic.
7. Are you prepared for the emotional turmoil?
Monogamy is a hell of a drug, and we’ve been indoctrinated with it since childhood. Films, television, and books have promoted the heteronormative, monogamous lifestyle for longer than any of us have been alive.
So as much as you want to embrace ENM, sometimes your brain can take a while to catch up. It’s okay to feel jealousy or possessiveness. It might hurt the first time your partner spends the night with someone else. But if you are prepared to process and communicate these feelings, you can make sure they don’t control you.
Be ready to ask for help. No emotional turmoil should be suffered in silence. There are communities, both in-person and online, that are here to help you.
Embracing a life of ethical non-monogamy can be exciting, rewarding, and empowering. But, if you don’t put in the work, it can leave you shaken to your core, doubting everything about yourself.
We may not want to hear it when our minds are full of threesomes, free love, and sex parties, but this is a lifestyle change we need to be prepared for.
So, as you take your first steps into polyamory, take a moment to run through these questions. And, maybe, you’ll learn something new about yourself along the way.
