Communicating boundaries at any point in a relationship
Part of creating any modern relationship involves stating your boundaries. Where are the lines you will not cross and will not accept your partner crossing if they are dating you?
A common example of a boundary is monogamy. You make it clear to potential partners you will not accept them seeing anyone else while they are in a relationship with you. Having stated that clearly, your partner is free to agree to this or not. There is no ambiguity.
And these need to be communicated upfront. Because I think everyone will agree it’s not ethical to wait for someone to be emotionally invested in your relationship before listing the things you won’t allow them to do.
But what happens if we don’t discover we have a boundary until it’s too late?
Is it fair to impose a new restriction after the fact?
I’d like to tell you about a friend of mine. For the sake of anonymity, we’ll call her “Lady”.
Firstly, Lady is polyamorous. She’s been married to a lovely guy for several years now. He doesn’t play a part in this story, but we’ll call him “Husband”. She’s also been dating another guy for a year or so now. They’re happy together and very much in love. Therefore, we’ll call him “Boyfriend”.
About a year into Lady and Boyfriend’s relationship, Boyfriend began dating someone new. We will call this person “Woman”.
(On a quick side note, are you impressed at my naming skills?)
The thing is, Woman is monogamous.
Everyone was upfront at the start. Woman knew Boyfriend was non-monogamous, and he knew she was monogamous. I can’t say what conversations took place around this clash of lifestyles. All I can say is they decided to give it a go. I mean, as far as they knew, the relationship wouldn’t last long enough for this to ever become a problem.
But the relationship lasted. Now Boyfriend and Woman are happily in love.
Where does this leave Lady?
Lady is in love with Boyfriend. Being polyamorous, she’s always encouraged his other relationships, because she wants to see him happy.
But it doesn’t look like Woman has any plans to embrace ethical non-monogamy. And so, with the best will in the world, she’s not going to be happy with Boyfriend having other people in his life.
So where does this leave Lady?
Well, unhappy is the unfortunate answer. She doesn’t want to get in the way of Boyfriend’s happiness, and she definitely doesn’t want to be the sort of person who demands her partner’s dump someone for her. But, as she sees it, they’re reaching a point where Boyfriend will have to choose between them.
She’s realised their relationship has crossed a Boundary she didn’t realise she had.
What exactly is a Boundary?
Essentially, a Boundary is a point you won’t go beyond in your relationships.
In many cases, these are for your own safety. These might include “I will never meet someone new in private”, or “I won’t have unprotected sex with anyone”.
Others are about your comfort and how far you’re willing to push yourself. These might include “I don’t kiss during sex”, or “I’m willing to date you, but I don’t want it to be on social media”.
Why Boundaries are important is two-fold. Not only are they a chance for you to state what you will accept in a relationship, but they are also a chance for someone to back out of a relationship. Because it’s possible for people’s Boundaries to be incompatible. Say one of your Boundaries is that you don’t like your partners sleeping with anyone you haven’t met. They might have a Boundary that they won’t date anyone who restricts who they can sleep with. If neither of you is willing to compromise, then you know the relationship won’t work.
The unethical version of this would be to wait until you and this new partner are emotionally bonded, and then tell them you don’t want them sleeping with people you haven’t met. Because now they have to choose between ending a relationship they are invested in or breaking their own Boundary.
You are, essentially, emotionally blackmailing them into crossing a line they don’t want to cross.
But what happens if you don’t realise you have a Boundary until it’s been broken?
Relationships are always changing. If they are healthy, they are constantly evolving. And as much as we what these evolutions to be positive, sometimes we have to face that bad experiences are just as significant.
In this situation, Lady has discovered that one of her Boundaries is her partners dating monogamous people. Because it puts her polyamorous relationships at risk.
But she feels it’s too late to say anything. If she raises this now, she feels it isn’t fair on Boyfriend. He’s become emotionally invested in a new relationship, which he was perfectly within his rights to do. But now he’s being told that something he did in good faith has damaged his previous relationship.
So here’s the thing: We need to be comfortable communicating our Boundaries at any point in a relationship.
Unfortunately, this will always feel like we’re surprising our partners with unexpected restrictions. It will always feel like we’ve kept something important from them.
But the thing is, relationships are always changing. If they are healthy, they are constantly evolving. And as much as we what these evolutions to be positive, sometimes we have to face the fact that bad experiences are just as impactful.
But as much as it hurts, the point of a Boundary is to protect us. And while most of the time we can predict what will hurt us, and prepare ourselves, sometimes we get blindsided. And that’s okay. It’s okay to try something and discover you don’t like it. It’s okay to believe you wanted something, only to find it’s not for you. And it’s okay to communicate this to people without feeling guilty.
Yes, it can feel like we’re being unfair. I’m afraid that’s just something we’re going to have to get over.
Just because our partners have done nothing wrong, it doesn’t mean we haven’t got hurt.
I don’t know how this situation will play out.
Hopefully, they’ll be a way forward where no one gets hurt. A way to structure things so everyone gets what they want and they all live happily ever after.
But sometimes, life just doesn’t work like that.
That won’t be Lady’s fault. Nor will it be Boyfriend’s fault. Or even Woman’s.
It’s simply a part of relationships. Everybody went into this situation ethically and openly. But that doesn’t mean your path won’t take you to a place where you’re no longer happy. No one ever said polyamory was easy.
