8 (More) Common Misconceptions About Polyamory
A while ago, I published an article discussing a few of the common misconceptions people have about polyamory and ethical non-monogamy. Because the lack of education and representation around our lifestyle leads to be people having some wildly inaccurate or biased views about what we are doing.
But do you think it’s possible to discuss all the things people get wrong about polyamory in a single article?
Of course, it isn’t.
And so I felt it was time to come back to this topic and discuss 8 more things that polyamory isn’t.
It is important to know that polyamory is not…
…more “enlightened”
We’re not better than monogamous people. We haven’t evolved beyond the constraints of two-person relationships. We haven’t reached some higher form of enlightenment.
But you will find people in the ethical non-monogamy scene who will argue this point. Usually, this is a sign of insecurity. Those who make these arguments want to feel that they are special, or to punch down on people who’ve punched down on them first.
But we can’t let ourselves fall into a false “Us and Them” situation here. We’re all exploring relationships in our own way. What someone else does is none of our business. Find what works for you, and don’t judge what works for someone else.
…one size fits all
There is no “correct” way to do ethical non-monogamy.
Moving outside of the “standard” monogamous relationship model can be overwhelming. We’re used to there being a clear template we’re supposed to follow. So we automatically look for something to replace this.
But no two relationships are exactly the same. This is especially true in ethical non-monogamy, where everything is on the table. You can’t copy someone else’s relationship and expect it to be a perfect fit for you. And you can’t look at someone doing things differently than you and assume they are doing it wrong.
Everyone does things differently. As long as everything is ethical and everyone enthusiastically consents, then just let everyone be happy.
…detrimental to women
Gender stereotypes make things very clear: men want to sleep around while women want to settle down. And all relationships, ever, are based around this dynamic.
And so, logically, polyamory must be a weapon used by men to sleep around. A perfect excuse to convince a woman to stay with him while also sleeping with other people. His girlfriend can’t complain because he’s “polyamorous”.
Let’s just be clear about something: There is a reason the word “ethical” comes first in “ethical non-monogamy”. If anyone — man or woman — uses polyamory as an excuse to do things their partner is unhappy about, then you lose that ethicality. And a non-ethical relationship is an unhealthy relationship.
Polyamory benefits everyone involved.
…dependent on the number of people you date
Being polyamorous is who you are. It’s not a badge you put on when you start dating multiple people that gets taken away once you go back down to one or none.
I am polyamorous. But for over a year, I was only dating one person. At no point did I become monogamous. That’s simply not who I am.
Yes, some people can choose to explore ethical non-monogamy and eventually decide they get everything they need from one person. That doesn’t mean they aren’t polyamorous anymore. Only that they have chosen to only have one person in their life.
…being open to anything
This is vital for people new to ethical non-monogamy to learn. Because our community is in no way immune to abusers. Predators will infiltrate any group.
So let’s state this clearly: You are free to turn down any part of the lifestyle you don’t want.
Polyamory isn’t some hedonistic free-for-all. Consent and personal choice are just as important as any other lifestyle. You can be sleeping with everyone that moves or no one at all. It’s all up to you, your needs, and your choices.
Anyone who tells you saying no to something means you’re not really polyamorous, or that people won’t accept them, then let people know. Because that person is not welcome in our community.
…trying to have sex with everyone
People tend to get a little myopic about sex. It’s understandable. Sex is a huge part of our biology and culture. But sex and relationships tend to get intertwined, and this isn’t always the case.
Ethical non-monogamous relationships run the gamut of personal connections. Yes, there are people out there visiting sex clubs and embracing all the play they can get their hands on. But there are also those who only want emotional connections. Queer Platonic relationships are a thing. And some people just don’t want sex full stop. Asexual people are just as valid in polyamory as anyone else.
Polyamory means “many loves”. If you want to properly understand the lifestyle, you need to get your head around the fact that sex isn’t a requirement.
…rebellious
We’re not doing this to get a rise out of society.
Okay, there are likely a lot of people who embrace this as part of their lifestyle. Sometimes it’s necessary to make an impact if you want to bring about change for the better. But that’s down to individuals. I’m not polyamorous to try and make a point about who I am. I write about polyamory to educate, not to shock. I’m not looking to break down society and bring down the man with my radical views.
Some might be, and all power to them. But I’m simply polyamorous because that’s who I am. It’s for me. No one else.
…a fear of commitment / setting down
If someone is dating more than one person, building on multiple emotional connections, how exactly are they scared of commitment?
Polyamory embraces commitment.
People use this argument a lot. They argue polyamory is simply an excuse to avoid settling down with one person.
What they actually mean is that they accept only one view of “real” commitment. They embrace the social norm and fight against any notion that it might not be the best way to live. Why? Because if there is an element of choice involved, they need to take personal responsibility for their lives.
As I said before, this is by no means a definitive list. Between this article and the one that came before it, I have very briefly explored just sixteen points. As my articles get more popular and I get more and more comments from those who seem determined to tell me how immoral and wrong I am, I’m sure I’ll soon collect eight more. Then I’ll do a follow-up.
In the meantime, take some time to think about your preconceptions.
I’ll say it again, for those in the back: relationships are changing, and far more varied than we’ve previously believed.
