The Dangers of Fetishising Sexuality in Polyamory
A reminder to straight men (and others) that your partner’s sexuality isn’t about your pleasure
When we begin our journey into polyamory, we open up the possibility that we might experience fantasies and opportunities that were not previously on the table. In fact, these fantasies could be the very reason you decided to open up your relationship. But while this is an exciting time for a lot of us, we can't allow that excitement to blind us to ways in which our personal fantasies might be damaging or toxic.
I can, unfortunately, talk about this from personal experience.
When I began my journey into polyamory as a straight man, I thought I was being supportive of my partner's sexuality. I was excited to see them explore their bisexuality, especially if that meant I might get to enjoy group experiences with her.
But the truth I couldn’t see was that I wasn't being supportive of her sexual identity; I was making it all about me.
So let's take a moment to discuss the fetishisation of queer identities in polyamory, why it happens, and how we can work to prevent it.
Usually, I try to keep my articles as universal as possible. But sometimes, I can't deny that a certain topic is going to be more focused on one group than others. And today, I'm mainly talking to my fellow men.
This is not to say that we are the only people who face this problem. Straight men are not the only people who fetishise their partner's sexuality, not by a long shot. But we come from a place where we are uniquely positioned to do so. Not only that, but this is something I can write about from personal experience.
Men, if, like I was, you are part of a heteronormative couple looking at opening up your relationship and your partner is either openly queer and/or has expressed a desire to explore that possibility, I am confident I know exactly what you are thinking.
Threesome time!
Sure, not every man is turned on by the idea of seeing their partner with another woman. But when it comes to ranking the most common sexual fantasies, a good old bit of old-fashioned "girl-on-girl" has to be up there. While I don't particularly like using pornography as research, it can't be denied that the people at PornHub are going to have the data on people's kinks and fetishes. And when I looked into this subject, I discovered that they provide a surprising amount of data, showing that "Lesbian" is consistently the most searched-for term on their website.
And while there is nothing wrong with being turned on by the idea of your partner being with another woman, especially if that is something she actively wants to share with you, that doesn't mean that you aren't going to fall into the trap of fetishising her sexuality and making her experiences all about your pleasure rather than hers.
Why Do Straight Men Fetishise Queer Women?
First, we need to understand why this happens. Why do straight men fetishise queer women?
The full answer to this question needs far more time than I have to give a full answer. But in brief, it comes down to the all-encompassing hold toxic masculinity and the Patriarchy have over our society. Boys are raised with a subconscious sense of ownership; the world is there to make them happy, and when they see something they want, they have the right to simply reach out and take it for themselves.
It might not be our fault, fellow men, but the fact of the matter is we have been conditioned from birth to think everything belongs to us. And so if something other people are doing makes us happy, we might not want to take that away from them, but we'll do our damnedest to force ourselves into that space.
And so between male entitlement, the lack of comprehensive sex and relationship education in schools, the commodification of women in society, and the dismissal of queerness in general and bisexuality in particular, we fall into the trap of only seeing women's pleasure through the filter of men's desires and wants. Of our own desires and wants.
However, while these points might explain why this happens, we cannot allow them to become excuses. We are better than that. Or, at least, we should be. Sure, it's going to take effort to undo the centuries of social conditioning that have brought us to this point, but just because something is hard doesn't mean we are excused from doing it.
Are You Excited For Her, Or For Yourself?
How do you know whether you are supporting or fetishising your partner's sexuality?
You ask yourself, "Who am I happy for?
On my journey into polyamory, I have dated multiple bisexual women who have communicated that part of their desire to explore non-monogamy was the chance to explore their sexuality, and, as part of that, were excited at the idea of having another woman join us as a couple.
And so, I encouraged them to meet other women, and when they did, I encouraged them to see if those other women would be interested in the idea of me joining them. I didn't feel like I was pressuring them. They had made it clear that threesomes were something they actively wanted. If they had said the opposite, I would never have pushed the idea on them. In my mind, I was simply supporting and encouraging them, which, by a happy coincidence, would lead to something I also wanted.
But, looking back, I realise I was wrong. Not in what I was doing, exactly, but in how and why I was doing it. While I honestly wanted to see my partner happy, that wasn't my motivation for my encouragement. Rather than being happy in seeing them living out their own experiences, I was looking at them through two very selfish lenses; how much it turned me on and what I could potentially get out of it.
I wasn't supporting their queer identity. I was fetishising it and making it all about me.
A woman's sexuality is their own business. As are their relationships. But each time any of my partners had any interaction with another woman, I, like many other men in many other situations, took mental possession of what was happening. Rather than being happy for my partner getting to explore this side of themselves — a side that's often dismissed or diminished by society — I focused on the sexual excitement I would get from it. I sexualised their bisexuality, reducing it to a kink rather than part of who they were. When I encouraged her to pursue opportunities with other women, it wasn't because it might be a fulfilling experience for them both but because of the sexual thrill I would get from it.
I made it all about me.
We Have to Justify the Trust Our Partners Put in Us
The point of this article is not to say we can't be sexually excited at the idea of our partners playing with other people. Or that our partners don't enjoy the idea that we get off on what they are doing.
The last thing I want to do is perpetuate the myth that women don't enjoy sex just as much as men and get just as much enjoyment from polyamory. As I stated in my own examples above, my partners had explicitly stated that they wanted to experience threesomes with me and another woman. And not because I wanted it but because they were turned on by the idea of turning me on.
But just because we are invited to the party doesn't mean we can't ruin it.
Yes, I was being invited to enjoy what was happening, but I had tainted that invitation by not fully appreciating the trust I was being granted.
As men, we have to learn to see that our pleasure in our partner's experiences is something they invite us into, not the reason they are doing it.
When you are a straight polyamorous person, situations can arise that test your ethics and selflessness. When you are a straight polyamorous man, fetishising your partner’s sexuality is one of the big ones.
And, as I mentioned at the beginning of this article, I'm not saying that people of other genders and sexualities cannot fetishise their partners. But we, as straight men, have to be particularly careful because we have been brought up in a society that all but forces us to think this way without us even realising that we are doing it.
While your partner might be just as excited as you to play together, maybe even more so, it's vital that we separate our ego from their experiences. If they are happy in group settings or sharing their experiences with you, it should be because it makes them happy, not because it's a requirement for you to be okay with them doing so.
Because that's the ultimate issue. For healthy polyamory, you need to be able to feel excitement for your partner that is completely disconnected from your own happiness. If you are only happy for them to explore as long as you are getting something out of it, then you are making your relationship all about you rather than mutual fulfilment.
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