Green Flags in Polyamory: Active Communication
We are taught how to talk but not how to actively communicate, and without active communication, polyamory is infinitely harder
There are a lot of Red Flags to be aware of in your polyamory journey. In a world where there is little or no education around relationships, we are at risk not only of people who would actively use polyamory to hurt us but who will do so completely unintentionally.
But where there are Red Flags, there are Green Flags. And someone actively doing the work and working to be a better communicator in order to better avoid situations where someone - themselves or someone else - might get hurt is a very big Green Flag indeed.
So, let's take a moment to talk about how active communication is a Polyamory Green Flag.
Why is Communication in Polyamory so Important
Communication is Hard
As we grow up, we are taught the basics of communication, and that's it. We learn to talk, and then we start to learn at least one language. But from a certain point, while schools continue to teach us the mechanics and grammar of language itself, we are left to pick up things like more advanced words, syntax, slang and colloquialisms, and everything else through social osmosis.
But we aren't taught how to actively and effectively use these tools to communicate. It's not even something we think about. We can talk and express ourselves, but everything stops there. This is why so many people find when they begin their professional careers, they need to start learning active communication skills. Not just what words to use, but how to use them and present themselves.
And that's before we even start on things like cultural expectations that place a taboo on openly talking about certain things, such as sex and relationships.
Communication in Relationships is Harder
People talk a big game about communication being important in relationships, but the truth is we have been brought up to believe that if things are "meant to be" then communication isn't needed. The myth of "The One" and the idea of "Happily Ever After" teach the idea that once we find the right person, relationships just fall into place. If your relationship has issues, then perhaps we're not "meant to be".
In most cultures, we also have a societal taboo on discussing things like relationships and sex, where these topics are relegated to only being acceptable in certain locations and with specific people. And always hidden from those young enough to really benefit from these sorts of discussions.
This leaves us in a place where we are left with the toxic belief that the need for better communication in your relationship is a sign of weakness and in a place where there are very few we can turn to if we want to talk about it.
Communication in Polyamory is Even Harder Still
In a monogamous hegemony, everyone knows what a relationship looks like. But when we step out of that world and begin to explore polyamory, we find ourselves in a place where relationships have no expected model into which we can step without thinking.
This creates two main problems when it comes to communication. The first is that we can no longer rely on the assumptions that we fall back on in monogamous relationships. The second is that, due to a lack of relationship education, we do not have the words or concepts needed to understand what we are talking about, let alone communicate them to other people.
So, when we are on our journey into polyamory, we can find ourselves in a situation where we have never been taught to actively communicate, have a subconscious belief that openly talking about relationships is taboo, can't rely on assuming our partners want the same things as we do, and don't have the words to describe what we want to communicate.
This is why demonstrating active communication is such a large Green Flag.
Why Active Communication in Polyamory is a Green Flag
Healthy polyamory comes from understanding that relationships and connections need to be honest and open. We cannot assume anything about what our partners want or that our partners will know what we want. This can work in monogamy, at least to some degree. But not in polyamory.
In polyamory - and in all relationships, to be honest - you cannot simply coast along, assuming and/or hoping that your partners all want the same things or feel the same way as you. That way, you'll only find out something is wrong once it has exploded in everyone's faces. But if you are constantly working to actively communicate, you are creating an avenue where you and your partners can raise concerns and issues so they can be addressed before they become problems.
Also, when we're actively communicating with each other, it becomes easier to see who is doing the work, learning how to understand and express different ways to be polyamorous. Even if they don't know it all or are making mistakes, the fact they are trying is a huge Green Flag.
My Tips For Active Communication in Polyamory
Start learning about polyamory
The main barrier to communication in polyamory is not having a decent understanding of it. Once you learn the concepts, vocabulary, and terms, you will understand better what you are trying to say before you say it.
Take time to understand what you want
Take some time to think about what you are looking for. Not everyone does, and it makes it hard to communicate when even you are unsure what you are trying to say. Even if you don't know exactly what you want, you need to be able to communicate this in a way that doesn't make you sound like you don't know what you're doing.
Schedule regular check-ins
Sometimes, communication is easier when you are in a safe, dedicated time and space set aside. Scheduling set times with a partner to check in with each other gives you time to prepare what you want to say and an expectation that your partner will be prepared to listen more carefully.
Learn about and understand different methods of communication
Not all communication is verbal, and not all people communicate in the same way. Some people are great at using their words, while others are more about actions. Sometimes, we need to adjust our expectations and learn how to best read how someone is trying to get across what they want you to know.
Not all of us are great communicators, of course. No matter how hard we try, we will always make mistakes and miscommunications along the way. But Green Flags aren't about someone being an expert. They are a sign that someone is demonstrating behaviours that indicate they are doing their best to be safe.
You don't need someone to know all the words and terms to describe different ways to do polyamory. And you don't need someone to be able to give an entire TED Talk about what you want. What you need to look for - and demonstrate to others - is that you understand that active communication - both expressing yourself and listening to others - is something that's important to practice if you want to build healthy, ethical polyamory.
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