Why Do We All Hate Unicorn Hunters?
What are Unicorn Hunters, why do they have such a bad reputation, and why might they not deserve it?
Unicorn Hunters, couples seeking women for sex or relationships, have a terrible reputation in the polyamorous community and the ethical non-monogamous community as a whole. And, if I'm being perfectly honest, it's not a wholly unfair one.
But why is this? Surely, if polyamory is about creating relationships outside the traditional model, it can't be a problem for couples to try and find people to date? Even if they are not looking for a long-term emotional relationship and just want a hook-up, there is no shame in enjoying group experiences and wanting to make those happen.
So why are these couples given the derogatory label of "Unicorn Hunters"? And why is that label considered an insult or a warning to avoid them?
Well, let's take a closer look at Unicorn Hunters and whether or not they actually deserve their reputation.
What are Unicorn Hunters?
The term "Unicorn Hunters" was originally coined by the queer community to describe a certain kind of heteronormative couple seeking a queer person (stereotypically a bisexual woman) to join them. This refers to the fact that what these couples are looking for is something so specific - a queer person who is attracted to both of them and willing to fulfil their specific desires and fantasies - it is incredibly rare. As rare, you might say, as a unicorn.
Why do people hate Unicorn Hunters?
There is nothing inherently wrong in looking for a third person to join your couple. Many people want to experience a threesome, and many polyamorous couples are legitimately looking for someone with the aim of forming a Triad relationship.
So why do they have such a bad reputation?
Well, in a nutshell, the problem is how these couples can treat the people they are so desperately looking for.
Unicorn Hunters Fetishise Queer Women
Imagine having everyone you encounter on the dating scene assume you are willing to sleep with anyone and everyone just because of your sexuality?
The fetishisation of sexuality is a big problem in our society, with queerness all too often seen through the window of cis-heteronormative pleasure, and the polyamorous community is in no way immune to this. And it is at the core of the concept of Unicorn Hunting, when couples see queer women as a tool to explore their fantasies and curiosities, rather than wanting to make a connection with a human being.
Unicorn Hunters See Women as Objects
The clue is in the name. Unicorn Hunters are predatory, hunting prey to sate their appetites and then dispose of.
This is rooted in the bigger issue of Couple Privilege, where a couple sees themselves as the centre of their world and the main characters in any sexual or romantic encounter. They have negotiated between themselves what they want and where their boundaries lay, but don't consider that a woman who joins them might want more than to simply fit into a predetermined role.
Unicorn Hunters Date Unethically
Dating is hard. Polyamorous dating can be even harder. And when you are dating as a couple, it adds even more difficulty on top of that. Finding your unicorn, someone who is not only attracted to both of you but always looking for the same thing sexually and emotionally, can seem like an impossible task.
So they start to try to play the system. There are many ways they will do this, but a common example of this is sending the woman out alone, baiting a queer woman into engaging with them, and only revealing the male partner at the very last minute.
Can Couples Date Women Without Being Labeled as Unicorn Hunters?
As I mentioned in the introduction to this article, there is nothing inherently wrong with a heteronormative couple wanting to date a woman together. Couples consisting of a straight man and a bi- or -pansexual woman are valid. And despite how it might feel sometimes, there are many women out there willing and eager to join them.
So how do these couples avoid becoming tarred with the negative label of Unicorn Hunter?
Don’t fetishise queer women or assume that they will be “up for anything”.
Queer women aren't a tool for you to fulfil a fantasy. And this goes double for the man in this situation. Too many of us fall into the trap of seeing our partner's sexuality as something intended for our pleasure, rather than their own.
Be honest and upfront about what you are looking for.
No setting up dating profiles with only photos of the woman. No dating someone alone and then trying to pressure them into allowing your partner to join you. And if someone makes it clear they are not looking to be a unicorn, then don't try and change their mind!
Recognise you are looking for a human being, not a service.
You and your partner might have spent a long time negotiating what you want from your experience with another woman, but that doesn’t mean they are going to simply agree to give you what you expect.
Above all, be patient!
Finding a woman who wants to join a couple can feel like it's next to impossible. It won't happen just because you want it to. But despite that, you must not allow any difficulties in finding what you are looking for to induce you to start trying unethical ways to trick people into making it happen.
Here’s the thing, you can be the most ethical you can be, follow all my point listed above, but if you are a heteronormative couple looking date another woman you are going to be called Unicorn Hunters. Because in the polyamorous community, these two things have become synonymous. And while this might not be fair, it’s something you are going to have to accept.
But while it might be upsetting having people assume you are “one of that bad ones”, it doesn’t mean you can let yourself slip into the bad habits that people will likely assume you will display.
Polyamorous dating is hard. The more people you add to a dynamic, the harder it becomes to find and create a situation where everyone is on the same page. And on top of that, you have to face the prejudices and issues created by those people who don’t care about being ethical and cause problems for the rest of us.
If you want to practice polyamory, you have to work hard to be ethical and unlearn the bad practices that come far too easily to all of us. There is a very good reason that the term Unicorn Hunter has become so common. It’s up to you to show the world that it doesn’t apply to you. Because if you don’t, then it will.
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