What’s The Best Way To Get Into Polyamory?
What sort of relationship is best if you want your journey into polyamory to start off on the right foot?
So, you have decided to want to explore ethical non-monogamy. Of course, the first thing you have done is read up on polyamory and ethical non-monogamy to get an idea of what's on offer out in this big, wide, wonderful world, and now it's time to start looking for new connections.
But what sort of connections should you aim for first?
Should you look for purely sexual connections so that your first attempts are more casual and less likely to cause you and your new partners pain if things go wrong?
Or should you look for emotional connections first, engaging with people with the aim of making a deeper connection before jumping into bed with anyone who offers?
So, let's take a moment to talk about which relationship style is best when beginning your journey into polyamory.
When I meet new people in the polyamorous community one of my favourite things is to hear the story of how they discovered and got into polyamory. I love hearing how they learned about polyamory as a concept and what made them decide to give it a try. I love hearing about the different steps they took and the difficulties and mistakes they made along the way. Not only because it's a great way to get to know someone, but there is no better way to learn about the polyamorous experience than to learn about as many different experiences as possible.
Recently, I was asked a question; is it better to begin your journey into ethical non-monogamy with a more sexual relationship where you can explore things more casually or with an emotional or romantic relationship where you can build connections before sex gets in the way?
So, drawing from the lessons and experiences I've heard from different people, let's take a look at the pros and cons of each of these options.
Starting Polyamory with Sexual Relationships
Pros
The benefits of beginning your journey into ethical non-monogamy with purely sexual relationships are obvious. You get all the fun of casual sex without any of that messy or inconvenient baggage known as emotions. It is also relatively easier to find these kind of relationships. Sexual connections are far easier to create than emotional ones.
This option is often good for couples who want to start exploring polyamory, as sex can be framed as a fun activity to do together in a way that forming an emotional bond with someone new can't. And if it doesn't work out, no one is heartbroken.
Cons
For some people, casual sexual relationships are not an option. The asexual community, for example. And then there are demisexuals, who can't feel a sexual connection until they get to know somebody on a personal level first.
Also, despite the fact that people think the ENM scene is nothing but casual sex, not everyone has an easy time getting laid. And if you are one of those people, the clash of feeling that no one wants you can be emotionally devastating.
Starting Polyamory with Emotional Relationships
Pros
As I've said many times before, polyamory isn't all about sex. Many people are not interested in sex, don't enjoy sex until they have established a level of trust, or have historically had difficulty building a lasting relationship when sex comes too early.
If you are coming into ethical non-monogamy single, you might feel safer finding that emotional connection with someone so that you have someone to support you through the tribulations of breaking out of monogamy.
Cons
Trying to manage multiple emotional relationships is harder than you think. Even when we know it's something we want and believe we are ready for, the monogamous conditioning we've all undergone is deeper than any of us think. And this means going straight into emotional and romantic connections can easily end in heartbreak.
It's also simply harder to find people with whom you will make that sort of connection, and so the search can feel a lot longer and harder than something willing to jump in bed with anyone.
When It Comes To Exploring Polyamory, There is No Easy Option
Obviously, this article is only a very brief look into the question of which relationship style is best for someone new to polyamory. But in truth, the way forward is not working out the correct answer but understanding there is no correct answer.
Don't think finding casual sex is easy or necessarily fulfilling
I have no doubt that many people look at beginning their journey into polyamory by seeking out purely sexual relationships as the "easy route". But let me tell you now, that is simply not the case. Yes, finding people interested in casual sex feels like it should be easier. There are swingers groups and people on the dating apps that are looking for some casual fun, but that doesn't mean these are right for you or will go the way you want.
Don’t equate swinging, casual sex, and polyamory
If you are serious about polyamory, then swinging can be a minefield of toxic behaviours or unmet expectations. The swinging scene works very well for some people, but it is rife with things such as Couple Privilege and objectification. It can be a fun introduction to ethical non-monogamy, or it can be exactly what you are looking for and no more, but don't assume all non-monogamy is the same.
Don’t think casual can’t turn into serious (without you realising)
As much as you might want to keep things casual, the human heart is a fickle and changeable thing. We are designed to form bonds, and unless you are careful, a "casual" relationship might become something much more important to you than you realised. And the real danger here is when that happens to one of you and not the other, as that path can lead to serious heartache.
At the end of the day, the truth is that there is no "best" or "correct" way to get into polyamory. For some of you, starting with sex will be the way that works, while for others, emotional connections will be better.
And not only is there no best way to get into polyamory, but there is also no easy way to get into polyamory. Whichever route you take, you are going to encounter stumbling blocks. Some of these will be external, and some of them will be internal. Polyamorous dating is hard on its own, and on top of that it will also force you to come face to face with a lot of personal issues and traumas that you didn't even realise were there.
So my advice to you would be to ask yourself, honestly, whether going for sex or emotions is the better route for you, both as an individual and, if it applies, as a couple. Because we are all individuals, and polyamory is something we build around our needs rather than copying what everyone else is doing.
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