What is Compersion?
Compersion is more than just the opposite of jealousy. It’s about reclaiming your individuality within your relationship
If there is one word you will find yourself seeing a lot when you start your journey into polyamory, it will be the word "compersion". But what exactly is compersion, and why is it such a big part of people's discussions about ethical non-monogamy?
Well, what you've probably been told is that compersion is the feeling of joy you experience when you see your partner happy with another person.
But while that is correct, it's only the simple answer. And when you're just starting on your polyamory journey and trying to get your head around so many new feelings, emotions, and concepts, it's a perfect starting point. After a lifetime of being told jealousy is a natural and healthy reaction to seeing your partner with someone else, it's reassuring to discover there is an opposite emotion that you can learn to feel instead.
But when you only look at this surface description, you are at risk of finding yourself seeing compersion as some magical state of nirvana only achievable by those who have mastered polyamory. And that isn't the case at all.
So, what is compersion? Let’s take a closer look at it, its relationship with jealousy, and how it might be the key to healthier relationships.
Is Compersion Really the Opposite of Jealousy?
What is compersion? Is it really the opposite of jealousy?
Well, this is technically true. Jealous makes you feel bad when you see your partner with someone else, while compersion makes you feel good. But this is only skimming the surface of what compersion is. It's a starting point, but it's important not to stop there.
The reason you can't simply call compersion the opposite of jealousy is that it infers that the two are on opposing ends of a sliding scale; you can either feel jealousy, or you can feel compersion, and as you rank up your polyamory Skill, you will steadily move from one end to the other.
But this isn't correct because…
You can feel compersion and jealousy at the same time
As I've discussed before, the feeling we call "jealousy" is actually a mixture of envy and/or insecurity. When we feel envious of something our partner is doing, such as going on a fun date, or insecure that our partner is having more fun with other people, we feel jealous. It's natural, and depending on how well you handle it, it can even be healthy.
But something that takes a lot of people by surprise is when they feel painful jealousy at the idea of their partner being on a date, they can feel happy and even excited for them at the same time!
Why is this? It's because jealousy is about you. Its root causes are your own internal insecurities. Yes, other people can, and often do, play a huge part in these. Sometimes purposefully and sometimes unintentionally. (Let's assume you are in a healthy relationship where your partner is not actively using jealousy as a weapon.) But compersion is not about you. It's about recognising that your partner is experiencing joy and being happy seeing them happy, even though it doesn't involve you. Its root causes are external to your own feelings.
The brain is a very clever little lump of matter, and it can feel these two things at the same time. You can feel emotions with internal causes (jealousy) and emotions with external causes (compersion) at the same time. And realising this leads us on to the full understanding of the nature of compersion…
The Secret About Compersion
Compersion is not merely the feeling of seeing your partner happy. It's seeing your partner happy and understanding it has nothing to do with you.
In traditional monogamy, we are taught that once you are part of a couple, you are no longer an individual. You are now a single unit consisting of two people. You might have your own lives and your own interests, but these will usually be things that already existed when you got together. Once you form "The Couple", your source of happiness merges and becomes one. So, any happiness that doesn't involve both of you must logically mean something is somehow wrong in your relationship.
Compersion comes from understanding that this doesn't need to be the case. Your partner doesn't need you to be happy, just as you don't need them. The pair of you are individuals with your own needs, wants, and desires, and yet this doesn't mean your relationship is necessarily any weaker for it.
Because when you realise that your partner doesn't need you to be happy, it leads to two further revelations…
They are choosing to be with you.
I say this so often, but do you want a partner who stays with you because they have to, or because they want to?
If your partner can be happy without you, it means they are actively choosing to be with you. They might be able to experience happiness without you, but they still want to be with you because you also make them happy. No matter what they are doing, they will eventually come back to you out of choice rather than obligation.
You can also be happy without them.
This is so important in a healthy relationship because if your happiness depends on being with someone, it means you are giving up your freedom. How many people stay in unhappy or abusive relationships because they believe they will never be happy alone? But if your partner can be happy alone, so can you. You are free to seek out your own happiness, which is incredibly important for your mental well-being.
This is the secret of compersion. It's not about finding the opposite of jealousy. It's about understanding that you and your partner are individuals who actively make the choice to be with each other every day because your lives are better with each other. And if that ever changes, you are both free to do something about that.
In the above section, I've touched on topics related to healthy relationship growth. When I do things like this, I like to remind my readers I have no qualifications other than my own research and reading on these topics. But I recommend looking into the Bader-Pearson Developmental Model (shout out to Jessica Fern for bringing this theory to my attention in her book, polywise.) if you want to learn more about healthily developing and maintaining individuality within a committed relationship.
Compersion Doesn’t Need to be Learned
But even when you know what compersion is, that doesn't mean it will be any easier to achieve. Many people I have met have worried that they will never feel compersion. They know what it's supposed to feel like and accept that it exists but claim they are simply too possessive or jealous by nature to ever feel it themselves. No matter how hard they try, no matter how much they learn, they can't ever see themselves feeling excited about their partner being with someone else.
But that's not what compersion is. It's not a skill that you have to study and learn. It's not something you train for. Even if the very idea of it feels completely alien to you, when you finally do experience it, you might just realise you've been feeling it your whole life without realising it.
And don't worry if you've been struggling with feeling compersion. Because…
Compersion can come when you least expect it (or think you never will)
It's easy to think you will never be okay seeing your partner with another person. You might have spent evenings alone while they were out on dates, agonising over the fact that they were with someone else and thinking you would never feel good when this was happening.
Then, one day, you see the two of them together. Or you see their face light up when they get a text message. Or you see them getting dressed up for a date. And, all of a sudden, there is it. That feeling of joy at seeing how happy they are feeling.
I've had two separate partners experience this. Both of them were uncomfortable when I was on a date with someone else, but when they actually saw us together, they suddenly realised how happy it made them to see me happy, even if they weren't part of it.
Does that mean the discomfort goes away overnight? No. Does this mean that all you need to do is see your partner with another person and you'll suddenly feel compersion? No. This is just my experience. It might take longer for you or come at a different time for a different reason. Or you might have specific traumas that you need to work through from past relationships. All I'm saying is that just because you think you are the sort of person who can never feel compersion, or so far have only had negative experiences, there may well be a point where it all suddenly comes into focus.
There is a saying that people often apply to skills that appear simple but hide a deeper complexity. Skills that people assume are easy because they can be quickly picked up, only to find that only those who have put in hundreds of hours of practice will ever be any good.
"Easy to learn, impossible to master."
This is what compersion is. Everyone learns about compersion at the start of their polyamory journey. But if you don't take the time to move past the two-dimensional concept of it being "the opposite of jealousy", you will never truth understand what it is that you are feeling?
What is compersion? Ultimately, it's the understanding that you and your partners are not a codependent unit, and you can each feel joy at seeing each other find happiness separately. Because, at the end of the day, that means your relationship is a choice, not an obligation. And that is what makes it special.
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