The Different Types of Polyamory
The reason you might believe polyamory doesn’t work might be because you simply don’t know there is more than one option available
Why are there so many types of polyamory?
To someone who has been part of the non-monogamous community for some time, this can sound like quite a naïve question. But for someone new to polyamory, it is a very understandable one. We grow up with very little education about relationships in general, let alone polyamorous ones, and so when we begin our journey of exploring ethical non-monogamy, we naturally find ourselves with a lot of questions.
Is every polyamorous relationship all about sex? Do you have to be part of a polycule? Do I have to date someone my partner dates? Do I have to date a certain number of people? Do I have to give up the idea of settling down with someone I love?
The answer to all of those questions is no. But if that’s the case, then what the hell does a polyamorous relationship look like?
So, let’s take a few moments to go through some of the common types of polyamory and why there are so many.
Why are there so many different types of polyamory?
Despite what some people might tell you, it's not because polyamorous people are different, or less choosy, or unable to "settle down". It's because relationships come on a spectrum. To many, this sounds outlandish because, whether it's something we've been actively taught or a passive belief garnered from the society we've grown up in, we've been told there is one "correct" way for a relationship to look. So, logically, if there is one "correct" way for monogamy to look, then there must be a "correct" way for polyamory to look as well.
But this is not the case at all.
When we explore polyamory, we learn that the point of a relationship is to find the people who complement us as individuals. And as each of us is different, with a unique personality and varied needs and desires, what will complement us will also be different. Sure, many of us will want the same things, and that's fine. There is nothing wrong about being part of the mainstream if that's what you want. But just because something works in one person's relationship doesn't mean it will work in yours.
This is, unfortunately, one of the reasons some people think polyamory doesn't work. They see one type of polyamory, and assume it represents all polyamory. And so if that one type wouldn't work for them, then no polyamory won't work for them.
But I don't want that to happen to you. So, let's take a look at a few of the common types of polyamory that are available to you.
The Different Types of Polyamory
Kitchen Table Polyamory
Kitchen Table Polyamory (KTP) is a style of polyamory where a polycule creates a close-knit family dynamic where all of those involved are a part of each others' lives, even if they are not romantically or sexually connected. They will often live together or share traditional domestic things such as childrearing. For those who practice Kitchen Table Polyamory, it's about creating a family unit on their own terms.
Garden Party Polyamory
Garden Party Polyamory (GPP) is similar to Kitchen Table Polyamory but with less integration. The members of the polycule will all know each other and enjoy spending time together, but not mingle their lives in the same way as KTP. As the name suggests, people practising GPP enjoy spending social occasions together but won't necessarily be particularly close outside of them.
Parallel Polyamory
Not everyone feels the need for their partners to mix. For some, each relationship is its own separate thing, and they feel no need for partners to meet. But Parallel Polyamory doesn't mean they are hiding their partners from each other (this isn't Don't Ask, Don't Tell). Their polycule will all know of each other but have no need or desire to meet.
Solo Polyamory
Not everyone feels the need to co-inhabit with their partners. The concept of "Living Apart Together" is a growing trend even in monogamy but is embraced by the concept of solo polyamory. Solo polyamorists might have multiple, committed relationships, but they keep their own finances and home separate. This is not a sign of a lack of trust or commitment but a desire to retain their autonomy outside of their relationships.
Nesting
A Nesting Partner is a partner with whom you live and combine your domestic life while also seeing other people. The monogamous expectation is that this person will be more important or have "seniority" over other partners, but this is not necessarily the case. Sometimes, things are simply a better domestic fit with one person than another.
Polyfidelity
Just because you are polyamorous does not mean your relationship has to be open. For many people, it's about building multi-person yet closed relationships. Polyfidelity is when the members of a polycule agree that they will be committed to each other and not seek out any new relationships.
Comet Relationships
The importance of your relationship with someone is not dictated by how frequently you see them. There are many reasons why you might find yourself building a connection with someone you see infrequently. It might be someone you met on a business trip or perhaps a partner who moved away, but you didn't want to lose your connection.
Relationship Anarchy
Despite its misleading name, Relationships Anarchy (RA) is not about chaotic freedom and lack of rules. And it's not, as some toxic people will argue, and excuse to be able to do whatever you want without caring about other people's feelings. At its core, RA is a philosophy that all relationships are equally important, whether sexual, romantic, platonic, or anything else, and can also constantly fluctuate and change depending on your situation and circumstances.
Triad/Thruple/Quad
A triad/thruple or quad is a relationship of three or four people with complete equality. Essentially, they have the same relationship as a traditional "couple", just with more people. Many people claim to want this style of relationship, but in practice, it is a lot harder than people are ready for, as building a multi-person relationship requires work to break out of the ingrained conditioning of couple privilege.
You may have already known about these different types of polyamory, and some of them might be completely new concepts to you. That's one of the wonders of polyamory. There are always new things to discover that you never dreamed were possible.
Of course, it goes without saying that this is not a definitive list of every type of polyamory. However, they present the core models many people use to build polyamorous relationships. You can step into one of these as they come or find a place that straddles two or more of them. It all comes down to whatever works best for you and your partners.
At the end of the day, the thing to remember is that the most important part of deciding which type of polyamory works for you is knowing yourself. No matter who else is in your life, the most important relationship you will ever have is with you. You need to know what you want from your relationships, and that's not always an easy thing to know.
But once you know that, knowing the different types of polyamory will allow you to decide what you are looking for.
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