Review: “Boys & Sex: Young Men on Hook-Ups, Love, Porn, Consent and Navigating the New Masculinity” by Peggy Orenstein
In Boys & Sex, Peggy Orenstein presents an honest, raw, and oftentimes heartbreaking exploration of how modern sex and relationship culture affects boys and young men. Without dismissing or ignoring the damage men can do, Orenstein explores modern masculinity, looking at not only how it damages young men but how, even when they know it's' happening, they lack the power and support to stop it. If you are a man looking to build better relationships, then this book is the step you need to take to better understand yourself.
Peggy Orenstein broke ground with her bestselling Girls & Sex, exploring young women's right to pleasure and agency in sexual encounters. Now she turns her focus to boys with an examination of how young men are navigating sexual culture in these changing times - and what we need to do to help them.
Drawing on comprehensive interviews with young men, psychologists and experts in the field, Boys & Sex dissects 'locker room talk'; pornography as the new sex education; the role of empathy; boys' understanding of hookup culture and consent; and their experience as both perpetrators and victims of sexual assault.
By presenting young men's experience in all its complexity, Orenstein unravels the hidden truths, hard lessons and important realities of young male sexuality in today's world. The result is a provocative and paradigm-shifting work that offers a much-needed vision of how boys can truly move forward as better men.
Boys & Sex is not about polyamory, so why am I writing about it on here?
Well, the truth is that truly exploring polyamory is about wanting to break down traditional ideas of relationships, put aside the parts that are no longer needed or were never fit for purpose, and build something better. And we can't do that without digging down into all the parts that make up relationships. Especially the parts we find it hard or painful to look at.
And one of those things is the inherent imbalance of power between the genders. Yes, anyone can be an abuser, but the stark truth is that men, as a whole, do more damage than any other gender. They have more power and do more damage. And while it's easy to just say "men are trash" and be done, unless we actually believe that men are born evil, we're never going to fix the problem until we take a look at exactly how and why boys grow up this way. Whether men hurt people on purpose or because they simply cannot see the harm they are doing, how the hell do they get to that point?
This is what Peggy Orenstein has done, and if you want to better understand the root causes of many issues we face in modern relationships, then I cannot recommend this book more. Orenstein has interviewed hundreds of boys and young men all around the USA, from a wide range of backgrounds, to better understand the way they think about relationships, sex, and masculinity, as well as when and why the toxic traits we all know all to well develop.
What we get is informative, often surprising, and sometimes heartbreaking. Without dismissing their mistakes or letting them off the hook, Orenstein creates a non-judgemental space where she explores why these young men act the way they do. Some of what we learn isn't surprising; the pressure of "locker room talk", lack of effective sex education, and poor to no parental engagement. But other parts are heartbreaking. We hear about boys who have been pressured into sexual encounters against their consent, only to have their problems dismissed as "boys always want sex" or "boys can't get assaulted", how many boys are forced to accept and emulate behaviours in order to be allowed into certain spaces, and how, when they realise they have done something wrong, the fear of being ostracised that prevents young men taking the necessary steps to made amends for what they've done and seek help in learning so it doesn't happen again.
If you are male, as I am, Boys & Sex will be both a wake-up call and a reassurance that you are not alone. As Orenstein explores, the social conditioning we undergo during adolescence happens almost without our realising it. To fight it, we need to understand it. Plus, it doesn't hurt to hear that while it is 100% our responsibility to do better, it's not 100% our fault.
And if you are not a man, then Boys & Men might give you a little more sympathy for the way society twists and damages young boys and the effort some of them are going through to try and be better in a world that often tells them they either shouldn't have to or simply won't be able to.
If you want to build healthier relationships, you need the tools to do so. And one of the most important tools is a better understanding of the root causes behind why relationships can be unhealthy. And Boys & Sex will take you on a journey to better understand one of the main causes of unethical relationships. By learning how men are so thoroughly conditioned to treat others so badly - and that it's not just men who are making this happen - we can begin to pick apart these behaviours within ourselves, as well as help those still going through this conditioning.
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