What Is Hierarchical Polyamory (And Is It Toxic)?
Can Hierarchies in Relationship Ever Be Ethical, or Are They Only Ever A Tool of Control
Recently, I've been seeing posts online discussing how Hierarchical Polyamory is toxic and nothing more than a form of Couple Privilege. In the opinions of the writers of these posts, anyone looking to establish any form of hierarchy in their relationships wants power and control over their partners. And, looking at the comments below these posts, a lot of people agree with this opinion.
But the thing is, I don't.
While I do agree that, in many cases, perhaps most cases, this is exactly what's happening, I don't believe that Hierarchical Polyamory is inherently toxic. I believe it is possible to create healthy, ethical, hierarchical polyamorous relationships. But that can only work if people understand what they are getting into.
So, let's take a moment to explore the concept of Hierarchical Polyamory and whether or not it's always unethical.
What is Hierarchical Polyamory
Hierarchical Polyamory, in a nutshell, is a dynamic where different relationships within a polycule are afforded importance or prominence over others.
In these dynamics, you will often hear terms such as Primary, Secondary, or Tertiary partners as a way of differentiating between the priority someone gives each of their partners.
Why Might Someone Want Hierarchical Polyamory?
The main reason someone might desire to practice some form of Hierarchical Polyamory is the need for a sense of security. While many people fully embrace the personal autonomy and relative freedom that ethical non-monogamy offers, others find they need a stronger sense of knowing where they stand compared to others.
Reassurance when opening a relationship
Opening up a relationship can be a frightening experience, especially for those with an anxious attachment style or a history of cheating or abusive partners. What if your partner finds someone better than you? What if they start spending more time on dates than at home? Being classified as a "Primary" partner can help alleviate these worries.
Domestic responsibilities
Sometimes, adulthood involves putting certain things and people before our own wants and needs. The most obvious example of this is raising children. Young children will always come first, and this requires sacrifices. And while raising children doesn't stop you from practising polyamory, it will necessitate the family taking priority over your dating life.
Avoiding domestic escalations
It's not only couples who seek out hierarchies in their relationship. Neither is it only people who want to be at the top. I know people who will only date someone in an established couple because they have existing priorities that will prevent unwanted relationship escalations.
Is Hierarchical Polyamory Toxic?
The posts that inspired me to write this article argue that Hierarchical Polyamory is toxic and can never be part of an ethical relationship. But why is this?
To explain, I'm going to refer to this post from Millie and Nick of @decolonisinglove, where they make their argument against Hierarchical Polyamory. In their words:
“…hierarchical polyamorists tend to focus on how a hierarchical structure can enhance the well-being of the primary couple, without giving significant consideration to the rights and dignity of their potential partners. Secondary and even tertiary partners are treated as disposable on the whim of someone they’re not even in a relationship with.”
This comment hits the nail on the head. For many people, creating a hierarchy is nothing more than a means to control their partners.
Hierarchical Polyamory as a Tool of Control
Earlier, I talked about how some people look to Hierarchical Polyamory as a way to feel more secure in their relationships. But Millie and Nick have a different view:
“Hierarchical polyamory rather than acting as a safety harness that provides security and support for someone to make the crossover to egalitarian polyamory, functions more like a bungee cord that ultimately pulls couples back to traditional monogamous beliefs.”
And I don't disagree with their point. Whatever your thoughts on Hierarchical Polyamory, we have to face the fact that it is one of the tools of Couple Privilege. By using terms like "Primary" and "Secondary", we assign importance and authority to one couple and, intentionally or not, fall into a situation where that couple can make decisions that other partners are forced to accept.
And that's the dangerous thing; it can be an intentional tool of control, but it can also happen unintentionally. A couple might want to put in a hierarchy for purely personal, ethical reasons, only to fall into the trap of using it against their partners without realising it.
How Can We Build Ethical Hierarchical Polyamory?
While I don't believe that Hierarchical Polyamory is inherently unethical, I am in full agreement that, in many cases, that's exactly what it is. Whether it's entered into with the intention of ensuring one or more people retain authority over everyone else or by a couple who doesn't see how their desire for security impacts others' autonomy, Hierarchical Polyamory can create situations that can only be described as unethical.
But if we believe this isn't automatic, then how do we build an ethical relationship hierarchy?
Hierarchy means different things to different people
The first thing we need to take into account is, like so many things in ethical non-monogamy, the word "hierarchy" means different things to different people.
To those who argue hierarchy is inherently unethical, hierarchy means someone in a polycule, the Primary, is given power and control of all others. But I have also spoken to people who believe that having a Nesting Partner, the mere act of living with one partner and not another, makes a polycule hierarchical because that partner gets more of you than other partners will.
Does that mean living with a partner is unethical? No. No one is saying that. But it's a good example of how not everyone categorises things the same way you do.
Labels can mean different things to different people
Polyamory and ethical non-monogamy look different for everyone. It's important to remember that we don't all want the same things. Something that would be a red-line boundary for you might be perfectly acceptable for someone else.
If you hear someone describe their partners as "Primary" and "Secondary", just because you would never do that doesn't mean that person is controlling and toxic. Everyone uses labels differently, and these terms might be what these three people have negotiated and agreed on.
That doesn't mean you can't politely ask what those terms mean to them and even question them if you feel their use of the words is problematic. Sometimes, they will confirm your suspicions about them, and you will know you will not be compatible. But other times, you might discover that they simply look at things differently than you. But you can't immediately assume their relationship is unethical just because they choose to define themselves a certain way.
For all I've read from people who believe Hierarchical Polyamory is inherently controlling, unethical, and toxic, I have not been convinced. While I have no doubt that the Venn diagram of Hierarchy and Couple Privilege has a significant overlap, it's not a single circle. Hierarchy is a tool, and like all tools, it can be corrupted and used unethically. But if we dismissed everything that Couple Privilege can corrupt, then there would be very little left of polyamory that could ever be ethical.
Hierarchy is just one of many tools that can be used in relationships. And yes, it can be used as a tool for control. But it can also be used as a tool to help give a sense of security to a newly opened couple scared by the wide unknown world of polyamory. Or it can be used by solo polyamorists looking to make sure they don't end up with partners who will want to escalate their relationship beyond a certain point.
Our job is to learn and understand this tool and recognise what it is, how it can be used to build better relationships, and, most importantly, when to recognise when it is being used against us in a way that takes away our autonomy.
Hierarchical Polyamory is not inherently unethical. But if you don't know what you're doing or how to recognise it, it can be just as damaging as anything else.
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