Polyamory Week 2022 - Monogamy and Polyamory are the same thing
You can find all posts for Polyamory Week 2022 collected here.
Polyamory. What a strange new way to have a relationship, right?. Being in love with more than one person? Having sex with multiple people? Watching your partner do the same without feeling jealousy? What sort of weird, unnatural lifestyle is this?
But the thing is, there’s a big secret about the polyamorous lifestyle. And I believe I’ve uncovered it. And, once you know it, it blows the whole monogamy versus polyamory debate wide open.
And here it is…
Polyamory and monogamy are the same thing!
Polyamorous Relationships are the same as Monogamous Relationships: An Argument
Okay, maybe I’ve lost a few of you there. But believe me, it all makes sense. And to prove it, I will present my argument in four simple points.
Point 1
We begin by breaking the argument down and identifying any common denominators. And in this case, the important thing to recognise it that the most important word in both “polyamorous relationship” and “monogamous relationship” is relationship.
Got that? Right. Let’s move on.
Point 2
Relationships, like anything else, have a set of universal skills needed to maintain them. And these are known as - brace yourselves - relationship skills.
I know, right? Mind-blowing. Don’t say I never bring you the world-changing revelations. Now, if you can take a moment to let this all sink in, we can continue.
Point 3
If any relationship needs relationship skills, logically, both monogamous relationships and polyamorous relationships will need them to survive.
Point 4
If both polyamorous and monogamous relationships need the same skills, then surely they are the same thing?
Conclusion
And there you have it. Four points that logically and inarguably prove that polyamory and monogamy are exactly the same thing.
Okay, okay, maybe I’m throwing around words like “inarguably” with far more confidence than I have any justification to, but I honestly believe this argument to be true.
Think about it. Two-person, monogamous relationships need certain things to survive. You need commitment, shared interests, good communication, honesty, shared life goals, and a whole rack of other things.
But these are not exclusive to monogamy. Polyamorous relationships need all the same things. And none of them is fundamentally altered by the number of people you share them with.
Yes, there are some changes in how they are applied. For example, quality time with your partners needs more active thought than when you only have one. But then, no two monogamous relationships are exactly the same, either.
Every relationship - whatever its model - has its own unique Relationship Agreement.
Polyamory isn't dangerous on its own
So why does this matter? Can't we just live over here in our polyamorous bubble and let all the monogamous people remain in their safe little world?
No. We can't. And this is for two reasons. The first is we refuse to live in a world where we can't talk about our lives just because it might make some of you uncomfortable. And the second is because thinking of polyamory and monogamy as inherently different might be a sign you are hiding problems in your own relationship.
To explore this further, let's discuss an oft-heard statement:
“But I don't think my relationship would survive polyamory.”
We hear this one a lot. We all have friends who are 100% on board with the concept of polyamory but seem to think it would be damaging to try themselves.
But here's the bottom line: If your relationship wouldn't survive polyamory, it's not likely to survive monogamy either.
Let's discuss Relationship Agreements
Every relationship has a Relationship Agreement. This is the contract you and your partner(s) have that says what your relationship entails. Standard items in a "traditional" Relationship Agreement might be things such as
We will live together;
We will be sexually exclusive;
If our relationship lasts a certain amount of time, we will get married;
Once we are married, we plan to have children;
We are allowed at least one night out with friends without our partners per week;
We will pay all shared bills equally.
It's possible you've never openly discussed your Relationship Agreement. Because for a "standard" relationship, we simply assume that we want the same things. The "traditional" trapping of a "traditional" relationship. But whether you've discussed it or not, the relationship is damaged if that agreement is broken. If your partner sleeps with somebody else, they've broken the agreement to be sexually exclusive. Or if they announce they don't want children when you've made it clear you do.
Still with me? Good. Now let's get back to But I don't think my relationship would survive polyamory.
If you are monogamous and your partner sleeps with someone else, that's breaking your Agreement. But if you decide to try polyamory, you are changing your Relationship Agreement. Because you can do that whenever both of you agree to it.
Therefore, any of the elements of polyamory you have agreed to will no longer be a reason for the relationship to end. So if your relationship doesn't survive polyamory, it's not polyamory's fault.
Things like jealousy or lack of trust are not inherent parts of polyamory. They are present in any relationship.
Because, as we discussed above, polyamory and monogamy are the same thing and share the same Red Flags.
I never expected polyamory to show me just how similar it was to monogamy.
I feel I'm sometimes repeating myself, but looking at something from a different angle allows us to see familiar things in a new way. And that's what polyamory has done for me.
And after a few years of looking, I realised that polyamory and monogamy are just different ways of looking at the grand monolith that is relationships.
A relationship shouldn't be something we take off a shelf. We make it ourselves to fit our needs and wants, and the small differences in no way invalidate us compared to anyone else. A couple with six kids is just as much a relationship as a couple who decide not to have children. And a non-sexually exclusive couple is just as valid as a sexually exclusive one.
