Is Monogamy Always Toxic?
Does monogamy’s history mean it can never be anything other than a tool of the Patriarchy
Monogamy is, by far, the most common form of relationship in our society. But is it healthy?
Almost all of us were brought up surrounded by monogamous relationships to the point where we don't even realise there are alternatives. Only monogamous relationships are recognised by law or the major religions. So, with all of this, monogamy has to be doing something right?
Right?
Maybe not? Because we need to consider the possibility that monogamous relationships can never be anything but toxic.
First off, what is monogamy?
Monogamy is so ingrained in our society that it's more than likely you've never taken the time to think about what it actually is. In the same way we rarely think about air or light, monogamy simply is. So let's take a moment to address that.
First, let’s look at the dictionary definition:
The fact or custom of having a sexual relationship to marriage with only one other person at a time. (Cambridge Dictionary)
Wow. I'm actually impressed by how dull and uninformative they've managed to be here. Which is actually a perfect example of how little thought people put into the concept. Because even without putting much thought into it at all, it's possible to break monogamy into at least two separate categories; classical and serial.
Classical vs Serial monogamy
Classical Monogamy dictates someone only ever has one relationship. Two people meet and marry as virgins, remain sexually and emotionally exclusive, and when one of you dies, the other remains single and celibate for the rest of their life.
Serial Monogamy, on the other hand, is more common. The model dictates you can only date one person at a time, but once that relationship ends, for whatever reason, you are free to move on to another one.
Social vs Sexual monogamy
Social Monogamy refers to two partners creating a domestic unit together. They work together to provide and share the resources required for living, such as food, shelter, and child-rearing. (This does not require sexual exclusivity.)
Sexual Monogamy, on the other hand, retains the idea of sexual exclusivity. But here, each partner retains their own separate life and domestic arrangements.
But this is just what monogamy is. The question we are asking is whether or not monogamy is toxic or if it can ever be healthy.
How is monogamy toxic?
So, why do people argue that monogamy is inherently toxic? Surely, if it's so bad, it wouldn't be so prevalent in society?
Well, in a nutshell, it's because it has undoubtedly been used as a tool of Patriarchal and oppressive regimes for centuries. And some even argue that it's not actually natural for humans to be monogamous.
Monogamy as a tool of control
It can't be denied that the history of relationships is not wholly pleasant. Neither has it been equal between the genders.
I've written before about how much the history of marriage has changed, even in relatively recent history. For centuries, marriage was little more than a tool to gain and maintain property or create political alliances. The idea of love wasn't even an afterthought.
This went hand in hand with women being seen as property. They were "owned" by their father until they were passed on to their husband. And this wasn't simply symbolic. Men would have control of their wife's property, money, and actions. And more recently than we like to think. For example, in the US, it wasn't until the 1970s that women were legally allowed to open bank accounts without their husband's permission!
So, if monogamy - along with heteronormativity, of course - is a way to keep women under control by granting their rights to their one, single partner, doesn't that mean it's toxic?
Monogamy as an unnatural state
Is monogamy a natural state for humans? Many people would say yes. It comes naturally to us, after all. Surely, it wouldn't be so dominant in our culture if it were not the natural way of things.
But, believe it or not, there are many people out there who argue that, actually, no. Monogamy isn't natural.
Now, I don't know enough about anthropology to weigh in on this debate. It would be interesting to read up on it, but who has the time? But I can say I've had people arguing this point in the comments, each side bringing references and evidence for their case. But whoever is correct, one thing appears to be certain; monogamy isn't universal across all of human society. There are many cultures that were, or still are, far more flexible with emotional and sexual openness.
So, if monogamy might not even be a natural state for humans, but our society doesn't recognise non-monogamous relationships, doesn't that make it toxic?
So, is monogamy inherently toxic?
Short answer: No.
Long answer: No… with a but…
Monogamy may not be inherently toxic in itself, but it has a lot of toxic baggage trailing after it. Whatever your opinion on relationships, you can't deny that monogamy has been used as a tool to control people by religion, Capitalism, and the Patriarchy. We only have one option for a relationship. Any alternatives are seen as invalid at best or a damnable sin at worst. And this has been happening for so long, most people never even realise or consider that there are other options.
So yes, if you are being forced into monogamy, that makes it toxic. If monogamy in any way holds you back or hinders you, that makes it toxic. If monogamy is used as a tool to control you in any way, or removes your agency, that makes it toxic.
But that's monogamy being used as a tool of oppression. It's not oppression itself.
But if you are aware of all the options available to you, no one is forcing you into it, and you're treating everyone involved ethically, then monogamy is a perfectly valid model of relationship.
