Is it Okay to Keep Being Polyamorous a Secret?
Sometimes, we simply don’t have the option to be open about who we are.
Is it okay to keep being polyamorous a secret?
Personally, I could never live like that. I am proud of being polyamorous. It's part of who I am, and I will always unashamedly celebrate that. In the past, self-esteem issues led me to try to craft who I was based on what I thought other people wanted me to be. But today, I've grown into someone who no longer allows other people's opinions to corrupt my celebration of who I am.
But as much as this works for me, I'm also aware not everyone has this privilege.
Everyone gets to choose how open they are. And unfortunately, sometimes people have no choice but to hide their polyamory from the world for their own safety.
Keeping polyamory a secret
Should everyone be fully open about being polyamorous?
Short answer, yes. There is nothing inherently wrong with polyamory. It's nothing to be ashamed of. The more people who are open about being polyamorous, who show it's a perfectly valid way to live, the fewer misconceptions will exist, and the fewer people will feel afraid to be honest with themselves.
But it's not up to me, is it? I don't get to decide when someone is comfortable coming out into the world as polyamorous. Only they get to decide that.
Everyone gets to define their own level of openness
I recently wrote about how I decided to end a relationship due to my partner not being open about their ethical non-monogamy. Her husband knew all about it, but she made it very clear she never intended for her children or extended family to know.
But it's important to note that while this was the reason we ended the relationship, the issue at hand was the incompatibility this engendered. It was not because I disagreed with her not being open enough. I might not have agreed with their reasons, but I don't get to declare those reasons invalid.
Only you get to decide when and how much you open up about being polyamorous.
There can be many reasons you don't shout your polyamory from the rooftops. When I first began to explore it, for example, my then-partner and I kept it to ourselves. It was a very personal journey. Then, once we worked out what we were doing, we decided that we weren't going to tell everyone, but if anyone noticed what we were doing and asked, we would be honest. Then, eventually, we decided this was part of who we were and that it was time to come out and be open about it.
It was a journey, and only we could decide on the timings of it.
Since then, I've heard a lot of people's stories. Many of them are very similar to mine or at least have some of the same core themes. People don't want to disrupt their lives until necessary. They want to keep things to themselves until they are sure. It's a process and a journey.
But what happens when the decision to keep your polyamory secret isn't in your hands?
When polyamory puts you in danger
The sad fact is there are some situations in life that force us to pretend to be something or someone we are not. Sometimes, despite how much it hurts, people have no choice but to keep their polyamory a secret for their own emotional and physical safety.
Protecting your Personal/Emotional Safety
As much as I wish it wasn't the case, there are people in the world who simply will not accept anything that deviates from the "norm". Be this your sexuality, your politics, or your style of relationships, they see it as their job to force conformity on others.
And while often this only goes only as far as dismissive comments or an insistence that it's all "just a phase" - which can be hurtful on its own - sometimes it goes further. People have been shunned by their family or expelled from their community. And then there is the hideous reality of those who will resort to physical violence to keep others in line.
People use polyamory as a weapon
Just because someone doesn't have a problem with polyamory doesn't mean they won't use it as a weapon if given the opportunity.
While it may appear harmless, the phrase "morally unsound" is an incredibly dangerous one. When it's wielded against you, it can create a sense of generic questionability few are able to shake off. And polyamory leaves you very vulnerable to its attack.
The idea that someone might have multiple relationships is equated far too often with being "immoral" by those who don't understand. People have lost custody of their children or jobs in childcare. They've been fired from their jobs because of so-called "morality clauses" in their contract.
I will promote being 100% about being polyamorous for the rest of my life. I believe being honest with ourselves about our relationships is beneficial not just for our own mental health but also society as a whole.
But it's a journey, not a binary choice. You don't just switch from monogamy to polyamory in an afternoon. And part of that journey is getting to decide how much you want the world to know, depending on which stage of that journey you have reached.
If you're not comfortable dating someone who isn't as open as you, that's okay. It's an acceptable boundary to set. But it's also important to be aware that they might not have a choice in the matter. So before you judge someone for being in the closet, take a moment to consider why that might be. And, if possible, how you might possibly be able to help them with that burden.
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