Review: “Is Monogamy Dead?” by Rosie Wilby
Rosie Wilby is not an academic or an expert on relationships. She's not even polyamorous. But does that mean that Is Monogamy Dead? is not worth your time? No. In fact, it actually makes it more worth reading. I've always argued that sometimes you can only learn more about certain things, such as relationships, when you look at them from a new angle, and this is exactly what Wilby gives us; an open and non-judgemental exploration of non-monogamy from a monogamous viewpoint.
In early 2013, comedian Rosie Wilby found herself at a crossroads with everything she'd ever believed about romantic relationships. When people asked, 'Who's the love of your life?' there was no simple answer. Did they mean her former flatmate who she'd experienced the most ecstatic, heady, yet ultimately doomed, fling with? Or did they mean the deep, lasting companionate partnerships that gave her a sense of belonging and family? Surely, most human beings need both.
Mixing humour, heartache and science, Is Monogamy Dead? details Rosie's very personal quest to find out why Western society is clinging to a concept that doesn't work that well for some of us and is laden with ambiguous assumptions.
Is Monogamy Dead? is not an academic book. It's not even written by someone who is actually polyamorous. It's a spin-off from a stand-up show about a gay woman approaching middle age and trying to get a grasp on her complicated relationship with relationships by exploring ethical non-monogamy.
But this is exactly why Is Monogamy Dead? is worth reading.
Deep, detailed books by people with years of experience as therapists or sex educators are important. As are books by polyamorous people wanting to show the world that ethical non-monogamy is a valid relationship style and more than just casual sex. But the value of Is Monogamy Dead? is that it comes from an outsider from our world. Wilby didn't go into her journey necessarily wanting to become non-monogamous but to explore it from an outsider's perspective. And through that, she gives us a point of view we will never get from someone "inside" the scene.
On the surface level, Is Monogamy Dead? might be the story of a woman struggling to get over an old relationship, desperately searching for closure she can't get from her ex-girlfriend. But when you go deeper, it is really the story of one woman's journey to build a deeper understanding of the nature of relationships and whether what we grow up thinking we want is actually what we need.
Rosie Wilby's journey is about someone deciding to actively learn about relationships from a different angle as they try to pinpoint what has kept them from finding long-term happiness. She proactively questions everything, from the possibilities of polyamory to her preconceptions of what a "relationship" is to her relationship with her own sexuality. She's not looking to give up on monogamy and embrace a non-monogamous lifestyle but to gain a better understanding of monogamy and relationships as a whole.
And this is an incredibly important example to follow. Like every scene or community, we in the polyamorous world are always in danger of getting lost in our own little echo chamber. If we only listen to polyamorous educators, influencers, and people within our own community, we risk losing out on outsider opinions that might show us things we wouldn't see otherwise. But Is Monogamy Dead? is a wonderful reminder that people outside of this community can have important insights that might help us on our journeys.
Is Monogamy Dead? is a bit of a strange creature; written by a comedian, it's not quite a comedy, but also not quite academic. Rather, it's a hybrid of both. And while it has some incredible insights into relationships and polyamory, it also acts as a reminder that it's not just people within the polyamorous community who are looking to understand and build better relationships. It's important to look outside our echo chamber and push our comfort zones to non-judgementally look at someone else's lifestyle to better understand your own.
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