The Question Needed To Begin A Healthy Polyamorous Relationship
How to express and understand what you are looking for at the start of a new polyamorous relationship
Beginning a new polyamorous relationship can be a difficult thing to navigate.
By giving up the traditional relationship structures given to us by monogamy, we open ourselves up to an understanding of exactly how complex and vast relationships truly are. Not only are we learning to look for exactly what we want out of our relationships, but we’re also searching for people looking for that same combination.
Not only that, but when we already have existing relationships, we don't have the same level of time and energy to give to them as we would be expected to give our partner in a monogamous relationship. We might also have other considerations to take into account, such as spaces in our lives where we are unable to be fully open about our polyamory, such as family or work.
But in order to begin a truly ethically non-monogamous relationship to start off genuinely ethical, it’s essential that everyone involved understands the situation they are stepping into. And that means being precise and honest with both what you are looking for and what you are offering.
So, let’s look at how to do precisely that.
Polyamorous relationships can be complicated, challenging to navigate, and painful when done wrong. Which, to be fair, is no different from monogamous relationships. The difference is that in polyamory, we can’t assume to know what the other person is looking for, or that they understand what we are looking for.
So you’ve met someone, and you’re feeling a connection. That’s great. Honestly, feeling that exciting personal connection with someone new is one of the best feelings out there. But mutual attraction isn’t enough to build a relationship. So, if that’s what you’re looking to do, you both need to take certain things into consideration.
But how exactly do you do that?
I’ve recently been reading Polywise, Jessica Fern’s new book, written with David Cooley. In this book, they discuss the challenges faced by those newly opening up to polyamory and offer practical strategies to help navigate that process. And in this book, Fern lays out the question that needs to be asked at the start of every new ethically non-monogamous relationship.
“What can we be to each other given our current life circumstances, our unique connection and our preexisting relationships?”
This is something I’ve been looking to try and put into words for a long time. I’ve understood that this is something I want to do at the start of new relationships, but I’ve not been smart enough to condense it down so eloquently. But Jessica Fern is far more qualified than I will ever be, so is it any surprise they have been able to so simply express something I've been struggling to pin down for so long?
So, let’s break down Fern's three points and look at exactly what they mean:
What are your current life circumstances?
How much time are you able to dedicate to a new relationship? Do you have a job with unsocial hours? Are you able to financially meet a new partner’s dating expectations? Where are you mentally and emotionally?
These are vital points to communicate to a potential partner as they set out what they can expect from you. They need to know things like how much of your time they can expect from you, what sort of places you can afford to go, and how enmeshed in your life they can expect to become.
What is the nature of your unique connection?
Just because you feel a connection with someone doesn’t mean your potential relationship is obvious. It’s possible all you are feeling is sexual attraction, and you have no desire to see each other beyond that. Your connection might be mainly friendship. Or you could both be on the path to falling completely and utterly in love.
This one is hard because it can be difficult to pinpoint exactly what kind of connection you feel with someone. Or the person you are seeing might feel a completely different connection to the one you're feeling. It happens. But it’s important to be honest. Even if you aren't sure what this connection might become and are happy to take it slow and see what happens, you must be on the same page.
Do you have any preexisting relationships?
Any new relationship is going to have to fit into any that already exists. Things such as the number of people you are already dating or the nature of your extended polycule are all going to impact a new relationship. If your style of polyamory doesn't gel, you are not going to be able to form a healthy long-term relationship without accepting significant changes.
And this isn’t only romantic or sexual relationships. How much time you spend with family and platonic friends is also important to communicate, especially if these are areas where polyamorous partners are less welcome to join.
I know what you’re thinking. When you spell it out bluntly like that, it all feels a little transactional. Here’s my situation and what I’m offering, so now tell me the same for you. It’s not exactly the sexiest conversation starter, is it?
But I’m not saying you need to sit down and ask this question directly. Rather, they are points that need to be brought up in early conversations. If you are on a date and getting to know each other, these are all points that you would imagine will come up naturally anyway. But when you have them in your mind, it's easier to make sure nothing is missed, and no assumptions are being made.
But hey, sometimes, just outright asking direct questions can be sexy. It can feel strange at first, as we’ve been brought up in a world where a lot about relationships is assumed, and we are just supposed to "know" when something is right without discussion. But once you are used to it, it’s incredibly refreshing to openly ask and answer these kinds of questions.
And while it can be depressing to discover that the two of you are not compatible or aren’t looking for the same things, isn’t it much better to learn this straight away rather than after you’ve invested time and emotion into a relationship that could never have gone anywhere?
It is perfectly alright to go into a new relationship with expectations. It’s also fine to go into one without any expectations at all. When we begin to explore polyamory, one of the greatest freedoms is not having to adhere to strict social norms. When we make a connection, it doesn’t have to be tempered by outside assumptions but can grow depending on your unique situation and connection.
But it is important to go into things with everybody on the same page.
Going into a new relationship with assumptions or feeling uncomfortable asking the necessary questions is a recipe for disappointment and misunderstanding. If you and your date aren’t clear on what you are looking for and what you are able to offer, how are you going to know you are going to make each other happy?
Communication is vital in any healthy relationship, and that communication starts on date one. Don’t be afraid of being honest, and don’t shy away from accepting that the answers to this question might mean you have to walk away from the connection.
You can order a copy of Polywise by Jessica Fern (with David Cooley) at Bookshop.org (affiliate link)
Would you like to learn more about polyamory, keep up to date with articles when they are posted, and also receive a FREE COPY of A Basic Guide To Ethical Non-Monogamy? Then sign up for my newsletter.