Red Flags in Polyamory: One-Sided Polyamory
Polyamory may be a wonderful thing, but no relationship model is perfect. There are plenty of ways people can hurt you, either on purpose or unintentionally.
That is why you need to be aware of Polyamory Red Flags.
Red Flags are the signs that serve as a warning of upcoming dangers. They are the universal indicators given off by people or situations that tell you to keep your distance. Some of us have learned them through experience, but this way involves having to endure and then process the pain and damage caused. And so, we gather and share our collected knowledge in the hope we can prevent anyone else from going through the same thing.
And so, if you're looking to explore any form of ethical non-monogamy, please take a moment to learn some of the more common Polyamory Red Flags.
One-Sided Polyamory
A Polyamory Red Flag everyone needs to look out for, especially when you're are starting out, is when it favours one person over all others.
The problem with One-Sided Polyamory is that it can come about through several avenues, some more toxic than others. It can come from selfishness, when someone simply doesn't care about fairness in their relationships. There's toxic monogamy and partners who insist on maintaining a sense of hierarchy. And then there's also emotional blindness, when a partner simply can't see beyond their own needs.
But it doesn't matter why or how polyamory can become one-sided. All that matters is that it's toxic, and seeing it develop is a Polyamory Red Flag.
Those that don't care
Polyamory is about creating the relationships you want. No longer encumbered by a strict model of what a relationship "should" look like, you can be honest about what you are looking for. As long as everyone involved is aware of the situation.
But it's an unfortunate fact of life that this attitude can attract toxic people. It doesn't take a huge leap to figure out why. We are a largely sex-positive community where it's acceptable to sleep with multiple people. Or, as a certain type of douchebag would say, "easy pickings".
When a partner ignores your wants or concerns or tries to convince you that polyamory means letting them do whatever they want, that's a massive Red Flag. It's a corruption of the freedom polyamory stands for and a clear sign that person doesn't care about anyone but themselves.
Those that feel "uncomfortable"
Boundaries are important in any relationship, especially for someone new to polyamory. Breaking through monogamous conditioning can be a long term process. But that doesn't mean you can't question the reason for someone's boundary. Because sometimes it's not to protect themselves but to control everyone else.
The most common example is the infamous "One Penis Policy". This is when a straight man is okay with his bisexual female partner dating/sleeping with other women, but not other men. He, of course, can see as many people of the opposite sex as he wants.
This Polyamory Red Flag is not gender-specific, of course. There are many ways people of all genders can corrupt the idea of setting boundaries. Rather than being honest about and working on their insecurities, they use them to hide from them and manipulate relationships to cater to them alone.
Those that don't realise
Seeing a Polyamory Red Flag is not automatically a sign someone is an inherently bad person. People can present a danger without ever meaning to. And when we're new to polyamory, and everything is intoxicating and exciting, it's possible to forget that other people have different desires than you.
Maybe you're so enthralled by a new relationship you don't notice your partner isn't having a good time in theirs? Perhaps you are arranging date after date as a couple, not realising they would like to see people without you there. Or it could be you are so enthusiastic about something they hold back from telling you it makes them uncomfortable.
Polyamorous relationships aren't always perfectly fair. At any one time, one partner may have far more going on than the other. But while you can't stop this from happening, you need to be aware of it and manage it.
My personal experience
When you're new on your journey into polyamory, it can be hard to recognise when it becomes One-Sided. I know because it took me a fair while to realise when it happened to me.
When my partner and I began our journey, it was because she had found someone she wanted to date. And, finally able to explore this connection she had made, she was full of encouragement for me to find the same thing. But when that relationship ended, that drive was no longer there. But when I started dating someone new, she was suddenly resentful that I wasn't around as much.
When this happened, we sat down and discussed why we thought this was. Only then did we see our dynamic had become One-Sided. She was looking at polyamory for how it benefitted her. As soon as it meant she was loosing something (in this case, my time and attention) things soured for her.
What's the solution?
Don't be afraid to enjoy polyamory or lose yourself in new experiences. But you have to remember that other people are involved. They have their own desires and needs, and, in order to be ethical, your relationship needs to take these into account. Also, don't forget your actions impact other people. Something that makes you happy might have the side effect of making someone else unhappy. And in any relationship, you need to find and maintain the balance.
As always, this comes down to honesty and communication. Be honest with yourself when something hurts, even if it means telling your partner they have hurt you. If they care, they'll do something about it. If they don't care, then maybe that relationship isn't worth it.
There's a reason "ethical non-monogamy" begins with the word "ethical". Polyamory is about creating relationships that suit your needs and desires. But that doesn't mean only your opinion matters.
Just because polyamory breaks us out of the two-person relationship model doesn't mean we throw away all sense of balance between partners. It simply makes maintaining that balance a little different.
Not all Polyamory Red Flags are a sign someone is out to hurt you. But they are a warning. People can hurt you without meaning to, and the only one with responsibility for your safety is you.
