Polyamory Week 2021: Hiding Your Polyamory
You can find all posts for Polyamory Week 2021 here.
A general philosophy I follow in life is you should never do anything that you wouldn’t be comfortable for the world to discover.
But while I am proud and open about my polyamory, I am aware this is a freedom that comes from a privileged position. Some polyamorous people do not have those same freedoms.
I’ll admit I haven’t always been open about being non-monogamous. But this was my personal choice. My partner and I were still working out what we wanted from polyamory, and this was a journey we choose not to share until a time we decided.
When we did announce it, it was to supportive friends and family. They accepted we were choosing to take a path different from the societal norm. I did not expect or encounter any negative implications to my life.
We also happened to live in London and move in more creative circles. This meant we had been able to find a community or people who shared our lifestyle. People who understood and supported us.
We were lucky. We had privileges and opportunities others do not.
So why might you not be comfortable, or freely able, to be open about your polyamory or other ethical non-monogamy? I wanted to go through some of the reasons. These vary from dealing with inconveniences it may cause in life to actual dangers some people risk.
Good Old-Fashioned Shame
Ah yes. Let’s start with shame. Such a powerful tool, weaponised for generations by our patriarchal society. And it works, because it’s one hell of a drug, and hard to kick.
A lot of people are just plain ashamed of wanting more than “their fair share”. Especially women. Either our needs/kinks are “dirty”, or we've been taught that just the idea of wanting something for yourself to be “selfish”. We should be happy with what we have, not start thinking about all the extras in life we don’t truly deserve.
This is often the first hurdle to overcome in a lot of people’s journey to polyamory. And some don’t pass it at all.
Smaller dating pool
The fact is there are far fewer openly non-monogamous people than monogamous ones. This means the dating pool is much smaller. If you’re not in a big city with a strong community, this means it might be impossible to find anyone willing to enter into a non-monogamous relationship.
When everyone around you is monogamous, it can make you feel it’s easier to hide your polyamory in order to find someone to be with.
Bad experiences
I’m going to go into this more in Saturday’s post, but sometimes people have their experiences of polyamory tainted by those who exploit it for their own gain.
Imagine you’re excited about diving into non-monogamy and all it can give you, only to have it ruined by people who are doing it badly. People who treat you like an accessory, or prey. People who force you to follow what they want, without considering your own needs or desires. People using non-monogamous people to cheat on their partners. People who put you at risk of STIs.
These people are out there. How many of them would you be prepared to experience before deciding that non-monogamy can’t work?
Discrimination
Even those who consider themselves liberal can be judging. Those people who are quite happy for people of other persuasions to exist, just as long as they don’t intrude in their world.
If you’re openly polyamorous, people might not say anything directly. But some people have experienced being left out of events or groups. Or found their career progression comes to a halt.
And while you might be happy to make a stand and force people to look who you are in the face, what about those you love? How will you feel if other parents start telling their children not to play with yours?
Legal Dangers
Unfortunately, the link between sex and morality being so deeply ingrained in our culture means it’s also ingrained in our legal systems.
I’ve read cases of people who cannot afford to be open about their polyamory due to malicious ex-partners who might use it against them. There are numerous cases of someone’s polyamory being raised in court as being immoral, meaning that person is unfit to raise children. And not just ex-partners. There are even cases of grandparents suing for custody of their grandchildren when they don’t approve of their children being polyamorous.
Physical Danger
And, at the extreme end of the scale, admitting to any kind of non-monogamy can put people in danger.
If you live in a more traditional culture, or have an old fashioned traditional family, opening up about opening up could lead to a serious impact on your life. Would you consider it worth being open about your need for polyamory if it meant your family kicking you out? Or your community, the only community you've ever known, ostracising you?
And of course, there are so-called “honour-killings”. Is that an extreme example? Yes. And I’m not going to go into any detail on those. But it’s important to remember this still a real possibility for some people.
In polyamory, as with everything in life, we need to check our privilege
In an ideal world, everyone would be free to express themselves and create relationships tailored to suit them and their partners, with no fear of judgement or danger.
But we don’t live in a perfect world, do we.
I will never claim that being polyamory comes with the social stigmas that others have had to face. We aren’t LGBTQ+. We aren’t suffering due to our race. And especially on a personal level, my experience is nothing like what other people have gone through. I cam coming into polyamory from the most privileged demographic possible.
What I’m trying to say is just a reminder that in polyamory, as with everything in life, we need to check our privilege. I talk about how great my experiences have been a lot. I want people to know that polyamory is valid, and that it can bring a lot of happiness to your life. But I recognise that this doesn’t mean it will be the same for everyone.
