Green Flags in Polyamory: Actively Learning About Relationships
Society doesn’t teach us how to build healthy relationships, so look out for people who seek to learn by themselves
There are a lot of Red Flags to be aware of in your polyamory journey. In a world where there is little or no education around relationships, we are at risk not only of people who would actively use polyamory to hurt us but who will do so completely unintentionally.
But where there are Red Flags, there are Green Flags. And someone actively doing the work and seeking out ways to educate themselves so that they don’t hurt anyone - themselves or someone else - is a very big Green Flag indeed.
So, let's take a moment to talk about how someone actively learning about polyamory and relationships is a Polyamory Green Flag.
Imagine you and your partner love swimming. You swam before you met, are both very strong swimmers and have never had any issues or accidents while swimming together. But now it's got a little dull, so you've decided to spice things up by deciding to give scuba diving a try.
What would you say if your partner told you they had bought the equipment, hired a boat, and arranged for the two of you to do your first dive that weekend? Would you feel safe?
No, you wouldn't. Because having everything you need to try something new is not the same as having spent time learning how to do it.
It's the same with polyamory. Scuba diving is not just "swimming but under the surface", and polyamory is not just "monogamy, but with multiple people".
But this is what a lot of people do. They walk into polyamory with the best of intentions but without doing any of the learning required to acquire the skills they need.
Actively Learning About Polyamory Shows An Understanding that Relationship Skills Need to be Learned
The truth is that in our society, we are not actively taught how to build relationships. At least not directly. Instead, it is left to culture, media, and indirect observation. We see relationships on TV and in movies, observe the couples and relationships around us, and then emulate what we are shown. It's all subconscious.
This is why so many people are terrible at relationships or get stuck in bad, damaging, or even abusive relationships. Because they were never taught the skills or knowledge they need to build a relationship and are making it up as they go along.
Now, add polyamory into the mix, something that does not have any good examples in our society to learn from. And without those, we find ourselves with even less knowledge and in even more trouble.
So, someone actively learning and seeking out the resources to learn how to be polyamory is a Green Flag because it shows they recognise they need to learn these skills and want to actively build a relationship rather than stumbling around and seeing what happens.
Actively Learning About Polyamory Means Someone is Open to New Things
I feel it's safe to assume that when you were new to polyamory, you didn't know much about it at all. And I also feel it's safe to assume that what you did think you knew about it was largely focused around the sexual aspect. Because, for many reasons which we don't have time to get into here, that's what most people think when they think of polyamory.
And that's fine. It's perfectly okay to start exploring polyamory with a particular intention, and it's okay for that intention to be sexual exploration.
But someone actively learning about polyamory means they are opening up their mind to polyamory being more than just their first impressions and ideas. They are opening themselves up to seeing all the different ways in which a polyamorous relationship can be built.
So, someone actively learning about polyamory is a Green Flag because it means someone is more likely to be flexible when creating new relationships rather than trying to force them into a box.
Actively Learning About Polyamory Means Better Relationships In General
Relationships are relationships, and whether they are sexual, romantic, platonic, familial, or professional, the same basic skills, habits, and practices needed to make them work are universal. So, if you start to learn how to build one kind of relationship, those skills are going to transfer over to others.
This means that teaching yourself the skills to build better polyamorous relationships will leave you with the skills to build stronger relationships in all walks of life, from platonic friendships to professional connections or stronger family bonds.
On a final note, it’s important to remember that actively learning about polyamory doesn’t mean making it your entire life.
We're not talking about someone needing to get a Master's degree in polyamory and modern relationships. The Green Flag isn't the amount of knowledge you take in but the willingness and desire to learn, however slowly.
We're all busy. We all have jobs and hobbies, and finding the time to study something new is hard, if not impossible. Which is why it's important to remember that "actively learning" does not need to mean dedicating every moment of your life to learning. It might be adding some books on polyamory to your bedtime reading pile. It could be following some educational social media accounts to add their posts to your feed. It might be downloading an audiobook to listen to in the car on your way to work.
How you do it isn't what's important. How much you learn and memorise isn't what's important.
What's important is the willingness and desire to learn.
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