(Another) 10 Words You Should Know Coming Into Polyamory
What the hell's a "Sneakyarchy"? What does "Polybombing" mean? Why are people talking about the "One-Penis Policy", and why do they hate it so much?
As I've said before, one of the difficulties people encounter when beginning their journey into polyamory is getting their heads around the terminology. And we're not only talking about words and phrases they've never heard before. There are also the ones they already know but have a whole new meaning in this community.
And so, following on from my previous articles here and here, let's take a look at another 10 words or phrases you will encounter in polyamory.
Disclaimer: This article, like all my others, is aimed to assist others on their own journey into polyamory, but I don’t claim to be an authority, and definitely not an expert. I’ve made no grand study of the community or undertaken extensive clinical interviews.
All my knowledge has been gained through my own experiences, research, and interactions with others gained during my journey into polyamory.
Tourist
Someone only visiting ethical non-monogamy
A Tourist is someone knowingly visiting non-monogamy but has no intention to live there. This might be because they see no need for monogamy outside of committed relationships. Or they could just be experimenting to see if the lifestyle might suit them. Or, on a more toxic level, they could be a Cowboy.
While a Tourist isn't necessarily a bad thing in itself, you need to be aware of their inherent dangers. They often forget that not everyone is as casual as they are, which can lead to them hurting people. They often see their desire to go back to monogamy as proof that everything secret wants the same thing.
One-Penis Policy
A relationship rule where a female partner cannot date other men (but the man can date other women)
The phrase "One-Penis Policy" (OPP) is often the go-to example of toxic non-monogamy, and rightly so. Mention a couple with an OPP in a polyamorous gathering, and be prepared to face a sea of rolling eyes.
An OPP, as the name suggests, is a rule that there can only be one penis involved in a couple's dynamic. While the male half of a couple can sleep with other women, the female half cannot date other men. This will be for one of two reasons. Either the man is insecure about other men making him look bad, or he's sexualising his partner's bisexuality for his own pleasure.
While it's theoretically possible that a woman in a couple might only want to sleep with other women, it's unlikely. In 99% of all cases, it will be down to a man's insecurity.
Triad / Thruple
A relationship consisting of three people, each of whom is an equal partner to the others.
It's safe to say that when many people think about polyamory, they picture the Triad/Thruple relationship model. This is because most people equate polyamory with threesomes, and so imagine it to be little more than adding a third person to a couple.
But it's important to remember that a Triad isn't simply a couple with an extra person added in. All three people involved in a true Triad have an equal share in the relationship. And this can be difficult for some people to get their heads around, especially if a third person joins an existing couple, and can lead to Couple Privilege.
Vee
A relationship where two people date the same person (the Pivot) but not each other
Unlike a Triad, a Vee is more of a polycule than a relationship. It consists of two separate relationships, with two people dating the same person, known as the "Pivot", while not being romantically or sexually involved with each other.
Some argue that, in order to be a true Vee, the two metamours need to have a friendship separate from the Pivot Partner. Others even argue that both relationships must be equal, with neither being more important than the other. But not everyone believes the situation needs to adhere to such a strict set of rules.
Sneakyarchy
When someone lies about having, or intending to implement, a relationship hierarchy
Relationship hierarchies are a personal preference. To many people, it's a natural thing to give relationships Primary and Secondary status. Others, however, consider the very idea an anathema and see hierarchy as a red line they will never cross.
Sneakyarchy is when someone pretends they don't have relationship hierarchies but then attempts to put them in place without anyone noticing. Either they don’t consider their partner’s opinion to be valid, or hope by the time they notice they will be too emotionally involved to leave.
Bait-and-Switch
Duping someone into thinking you are single, only to introduce your partner at the last minute.
The Bait-and-Switch is the unfortunate symptom of how hard it can be to find what we are looking for in non-monogamy. An attempt to game the system by manipulating the fact that single women get more attention.
You see this a lot on dating apps. An account will only have photos of a woman, but when you read their bio, she quietly mentions she has a boyfriend and is only looking to meet as part of a couple. But this has also happened to me in person. A woman's partner will watch from a distance until people get close to her and then try and join in at the last minute.
Collector
Someone who simply wants to “collect” as many partners as possible.
Sex is all too often seen as competition to be won. Even today, People talk about their "kill list", the number of people with whom they've had sex, as if it's an achievement. And unfortunately, ethical non-monogamy has its own form of this. The Collector.
A Collector is someone with a need to have as many partners as possible. This can be because they want to show off, but it can also be about someone's insecurities. But what it means is that rather than looking for emotional or fulfilling connections, they only care about the number of people they are actively seeing at one time.
Gatekeeper
Someone who has decided they are the arbiter of the “correct” way to do things
Gatekeepers are not something exclusive to ethical non-monogamy. Every community, every hobby, every lifestyle has Gatekeepers. The people who take it on themselves to police the entire community.
But this holds a specific danger in non-monogamy. If we tell people there is only one way of doing things "right", it holds them back from working out what's right for them.
Polybombing
The act of overwhelming a partner with polyamory before they are ready for it.
Polybombing is a way for one partner to push another into things they are not ready for. But it's doubly dangerous because it can happen both consciously and unconsciously.
Some people use Polybombing as a way to purposefully manipulate insecure partners. They keep throwing new things at them, never giving them a chance to stop and think, as a way to prevent them from expressing the things they might want.
But it's also possible to do this without meaning to. Being new to polyamory can be intoxicating, and sometimes we can be so excited that we blind ourselves to the fact our partner may feel overwhelmed and need us to slow things down.
Pokemon Polyamory
The practice of "collecting" every possible kind of person and/or relationship
Polyamory means different things to different people. Not all of us want exactly the same thing or exactly the same kinds of people.
But to some people, all that's important is having at least one of everything. They want to have been in every kind of relationship. They want to have dated every kind of person. They want to have experienced every kink.
Wanting to experience things is fine. But the problem with a Pokemon Polyamorist is they don't care about other people other than for how they can be used to tick another item off their checklist.
