6 Reasons You Shouldn’t Try Polyamory
Why would anyone want to be polyamorous?
I know many people who embraced polyamory and found themselves having a wonderful experience. But that's not universal. I've also seen people who've thrown themselves into polyamory only to have everything fall apart around them.
So why is it that some people have such a good experience while others get nothing but heartbreak and broken relationships? What's the difference? Is it that polyamory works for some people and not for others? And, more importantly, how can you ensure your journey leads to the former rather than the latter conclusion?
Well, a large part of it comes down to why you've decided to try polyamory.
Like so many things in life, if you come into polyamory for the wrong reasons, your journey will be forever tainted. You can't build a house on a bad foundation, and a relationship is no different. You'll never find happiness in a relationship if you began it for the wrong reasons.
So let's take a look at 6 reasons people choose to explore polyamory that will only ever lead to heartache.
1. To save a failing relationship
No one likes seeing a relationship fail. When it's happening, we can want to find something, anything, that will allow us to keep it going, no matter what. One common symptom of a relationship ending is seeing other people as potential partners. And so, sometimes people argue that polyamory might be a way to assuage the guilt this creates. That if we allow ourselves to date other people, it will mean the original relationship isn't really ending.
But this isn't how polyamory works. If you want to see other people, it might just be a sign you want a completely new relationship. Seeing other people isn't going to make you fall back in love with your partner.
When someone claims polyamory "destroyed their relationship”, this is very often what actually happened. Their relationship was already dying when they opened it up. And rather than admitting to the problems that had already existed, they blame polyamory instead.
2. To excuse cheating
Cheating is something that always hurts, no matter the situation. Because it's a betrayal. Some people say a relationship can survive cheating. Others argue there is never a way back from it.
But whatever you believe, one thing you can't do is retroactively excuse it. You can't just decide to open up your relationship after the fact as if this will somehow make things better. Because cheating is far more complicated than sleeping with someone else. It's about betrayal. If someone is prepared to betray you in monogamy, moving to polyamory isn't going to fix that. A partner who doesn't care about your boundaries isn't going to change just because you move them.
If you're trying polyamory to excuse or justify someone else's behaviour, that means it's not something you want. Rather, it's something you're accepting to try and avoid bigger problems.
3. Because other people are doing it
It's wonderful how much polyamory and other forms of ethical non-monogamy are becoming more accepted. There are loads of websites and social media accounts teaching about it. If you know where to look, you can find no end of people portraying a life of sunshine and rainbows shining down on threesomes and happy triads.
But this portrayal is an active choice. We're fighting to show that polyamory is a valid choice that can work rather than a passing phase. But that doesn't mean it always works. Like everything else on social media, polyamory isn't as easy as some people make it look.
Polyamory is about living your own life, not copying someone else's. Don't try to emulate someone else. Social media creates a false image. It's not real. You need to actively engage with it, finding the accounts that teach and educate, as well as those that show off. Trying to emulate someone else's polyamory without understanding how it works will only lead to heartbreak.
4. Because you worry monogamy is “outdated”
In the last century, society has been tossing aside a lot of toxic expectations about sex and relationships. One of these is the "ideal" of the hetero-monogamous relationship model being the only one allowed. But just as the existence of gay marriage doesn't negate straight marriage, polyamory isn't replacing monogamy.
You will find people in the polyamorous community who argue it is somehow "more evolved. I, however, strongly disagree. The problem with enforced monogamy is the "enforced" part, not the "monogamy" part. If monogamy works for you, then you should not feel any sense of shame just because other people choose something new.
Polyamory is about creating a relationship that works for you, rather than the other way around. If you try and force yourself into polyamory because you think you should, then, in my opinion, you're going against its very nature.
5. You’re afraid of commitment
Polyamory means not committing yourself to one person to the exclusion of all others. That doesn't mean polyamory involves giving up on commitment completely. Quite the opposite. Polyamorous relationships can be just as committed as any other. The only difference is you get to decide what that commitment means.
If you're looking to have fun, casual relationships, then ethical non-monogamy has a place for you. This community is a non-judgemental space, and only wanting sex is perfectly acceptable if that's what you want. But that's not polyamory.
If you decide to explore polyamory because you want to avoid any form of commitment, you're not going to have an easy time. You're either going to find that people don't want to get involved with you, or you're going to end up hurting people who don't understand what you're doing.
6. You’re only looking at what you want
A lot of people come into polyamory with a goal in mind. They want a threesome (this one is especially common in couples) or to be able to have a committed relationship as well as casual sex. And while these are valid things to want to explore, you're risking looking at people as potential tools to achieve these goals and little else.
This is an easy mistake to make but not an excusable one. Yes, you may well find someone looking for the same things as you. But that doesn't mean that's all they want. Or that having matching goals means they are only there to meet your needs.
Going into polyamory to achieve a certain goal risks turning polyamory into a transaction. If that's all you want, hire a sex worker. But if you're looking to explore new relationships, remember that people have different needs. That way, you might even discover new things you had never even thought about trying.
Looking back over these six reasons not to try polyamory, I can see two main lessons to take onboard.
The first is the knowledge that you should only ever decide to explore polyamory because you want to. Going into it for any other reason means you’ll be trying to force yourself into something that doesn’t feel right. You don’t have to be certain polyamory is for you. It’s okay to try it out to see if it works. But only if you want to.
The second is to remember that it’s not all about you. Polyamory isn’t about escaping commitment, and it’s not about finding people to fulfil your needs with no consideration for theirs. It’s about connections and relationships.
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